Helga's Journal
by Em Pataki
Summary: Helga keeps a journal of the fourth grade.
1. Chapter 1

**This is going to be another long one so I'll be a few chapters a day. Well, they're really journal entries.**

ENTRY 1: Downtown As Fruits

 _Well, I gotta say, the night didn't end as badly as the day started…_

"For crying out loud Miriam! How in the heck am I supposed to go to work without my big white belt?!"

"I put it back in the closet after I picked it up from the cleaners daddy!"

 _I sat at the counter with my cereal, listening to Bob scowl over a cheap piece of junk he seems to believe could run the business itself. There I wondered how my play would be going that night. Would I receive the standing ovation my heart eagerly desired, or did those losers even bother to practice their lines?_

 _Auditorium_

"Hey Arnold!"

"Huh?"

"GET OFF THE STAGE!"

 _There I was ready to hammer everyone's lines so far inside them, they could taste them, and what happened? A certain someone decided it was his moment to steal the spotlight. Pttss...Arnold. What a daydreamer. What a shrimp. What a goody two shoes. Guy can't keep his head out of the clouds for one day!_

 _Later That Evening_

"Hey! Where are the fruits?"

"They're not here Helga. They never showed up."

"What? ARNOLD!"

 _That play was my masterpiece! I poured my heart and soul into making sure every wimpy kid participating in it knew what they were doing! I didn't spend the little free time I had after school each day coaching those lamebrains just to have two of them play hookey!_

 _Watching my sorry excuse for classmates get hit one by one with whatever the audience had in their pockets began to demolish my dignity bit by bit. A part of me was ready to pound football head into smithereens. Yet, an even bigger part of me just couldn't stay mad at him. The way he's always thinking of others. The way he tends to see the good in every bad situation. The way he always manages to do the right thing._

 _As I made my way onto the center of the stage, ready to admit defeat, I was thrashed aside. After sliding across the stage, angry as can be about not having the easiest time fixing my costume, I realized my love had come through for me!_

 _After hearing those buffoons finish up the lyrics to the final song (the only one they actually managed to do a decent job on), the crowd gave a standing ovation...and it was all thanks to my beloved._

 _Oh Arnold! Where would we all be without your moral conscience?_


	2. Chapter 2

Entry 2: Little Pink Book

 _Why am I such an idiot?_

 _What kind of a moron takes their most confidential items out in public? Me apparently. After falling into one of my usual lovesick dazes from taking a piece of my beloved's hair, I felt I had everything I needed to make that diary complete. Well, almost everything. There was still the matter of signing my name. Yep, you heard me. My insecure self just had to be sure to take credit for the last thing I would EVER want the world to lay eyes on._

H is for the head I'd like to punt. E is for every time I see the little runt. L is longing for our first kiss. G is for how good that longing is. A is for Arnold.

 _After I so boldly finished setting myself up for one of the most humiliating moments of my life, I began to make my way off the bus. Of course, someone just HAD to get in my way…_

"One side moron!"

 _Rather than taking a moment to make sure my most prized possession had made it into my bag safely, I continued to daydream about my fantasies with my beloved one day becoming a reality…_

 _Anxious to smell the lock of my beloved's hair yet again, I sat on my porch to reach for my book. I searched desperately through my things, unable to find it until an awful memory came back to me._

 _Having realized I dropped the book on top of my beloved's stack of personal belongings, I raced for his house, only to find he and tall hairboy had already buried their faces into my written work!_

"Why? Why did I sign my name? I was too bold! Those poems weren't meant to be read until I'm dead and buried! And worms have consumed my flesh! Arnold must NEVER see that last page!"

 _Nothing was going to stop me from saving whatever shred of dignity remained inside of me! I climbed his fire escape in the hopes of seeing what those two geeks may have in store for my precious book they just couldn't seem to keep their grubby paws off of._

 _Having climbed to the top of the roof, I feel through the ceiling to realize I was in my beloved's room for the first time ever! Remote controlled lights, jazz music, and a pillow that withheld the sweet scent of his hair. One day I will find out what shampoo he uses!_

 _It was then I caught sight of the book on his bookshelf on the other side of the room. Of course, what should happen the moment I went for it?_

"I don't know Arnold. Abner's a lousy detective."

 _There I sat in football head's closet, with no choice but to spend hours watching him and tall hairboy assume doing a bunch of lame lab experiments would actually give them the answer to who the book belonged to? Pttss...what a couple of dweebs!_

 _The only test they did worth trying out was comparing handwriting from the yearbook signatures. Of course, they didn't feel the need to waste their time comparing my name to it. Arnold wouldn't dream of me having feelings for him anymore than I would expect him to believe it. I guess I had nothing to worry about._

 _Did their failure of test after test send them the message they should do something else?! Pttss...of course not._

"Let's go down to Slausens and get an ice cream cone."

"Yeah I could go for some ice cream...but then again."

"Ahh come on."

"Look we're both tired. I'm just going to go right to bed."

 _So, did I get the book back and return home in my comfortable bed? What do_ YOU _think einstein? Having spent all night in Arnold's closet, lucky he didn't look in it the next morning, I followed him to school the next day to find him_ ONCE AGAIN _reading the book for everyone!_

 _Page by page the laughter grew from those pathetic excuses for friends of ours. Enough was enough! Being anonymously mocked and ridiculed was unbearable enough. As I listened to him read through my name on the final page, my nerves took over me. I tore out the page to make spit wad with which I made a perfect shoot at football head!_

"Ow! What was that for?"

"For spitball of the day, football head!"

 _While my book remains in his hands, my secret is now safe. Plus, I got to keep the lock of his hair I cut off. Oohhh ~_


	3. Chapter 3

Entry 3: Arnold's Hat

 _How could I be so selfish?_

 _After making my weekly monument to my beloved, made entirely out of wads of his used gum (comment and you'll be answering to Ol' Betsy), I knew something wasn't right. Something was missing._

 _I spend practically every waking moment of my life stalking him. How hard could it be getting his hat during the process? I mean, all I had to do was follow him and Geraldo around time like usual._

 _There they were at the park, trying to fly some stupid kite that football head felt he had improved the aerodynamics of with a couple of spatulas...oh brother! All I felt I had to do was hide nearby and snatch it when he wasn't looking. Not as easy as it sounds._

 _After having no such luck at the park, I snagged Bob's fishing pole and hid on top of a building to spy on the two geek baits from. When I watched them head for Arnold's, I tossed the pole in his direction, only to be snagged by a truck that pulled me along the top of the building and into a stupid bird cage! Gross!_

 _I sat sulking drenched in bird crap, not knowing what else I could possible do to get by beloved's most prized possession._

"What do I have to do anyway? All I want is the stupid hat? And world domination. But right now just the hat. Is that too much to ask?"

 _Apparently not, seeing as how moments later, the wind blew it right in front of me. It was like destiny calling!_

 _I raced home to place the final piece on top of my beloved's head._

"It is finished!"

 _Spinning around the room with my shrine and it's newest piece, I just couldn't help but ummm...express my emotions (again, Ol Betsy is right around the corner)._

 _Later that afternoon, feeling my life was more than complete, I and practically every other kid in the neighborhood heard the Jolly Olly man giving away half his truck. Maybe he was feeding us all treats that were on the verge of expiration._

 _Whatever his deal was, he was parked in front of my beloved's, where I happened to hear…_

"No! I'm never coming out without my hat! Ever! For the rest of my life!"

 _Guilt ran through me like never before._

"Oh my beloved! What havoc have I brought? Tampering with the laws of nature?"

 _I didn't waste another moment after that! I raced for my house only to find Miriam (mother of the year) had decided to clean for once in her life and threw out everything in my closet!_

 _Then the stupid garbage truck continues to speed up his driving when it was obvious I needed him to hold up. I mean criminy! I was three feet behind him, waving my arms in desperation! What a moron!_

 _After three hours of digging through garbage, I found the hat! Never having been so full of relief, I marched back towards Arnold's neighborhood with it. The whole walk there I wondered what I would say to him. Should I apologize for taking it, or just tell him I found it laying in the street somewhere?_

 _Fate took care of that for me. As I was rounding the corner of J.J. Sausage's I bumped into my beloved. He wasted no time grabbing it from my hands which I held it safely in._

"Helga! You found my hat!"

"Oh, is that your hat?"

"I can't believe it! Thanks Helga thanks a lot!"

"Hey! Who said you could touch me?!"

"Sorry, I couldn't help it."

"You trying to make me sick or something? Take your stupid hat and get out of here!"

"Okay, thanks again Helga."

"I'll never wash these clothes again!"

 _And I'm still wearing them now! Again...Ol Betsy awaits._


	4. Chapter 4

Entry 4: Helga's Makeover

 _Criminy! Will this mascara EVER come off? Stupid girl party. Like it's not bad enough girls have to be known for this crap. All the makeup and jewelry and goofy designer clothes. On top of it all, I have to have someone like Princess...Ms. Rhonda Wellington Lloyd (oh brother) reminding everyone how in or out of style they are…_

 _I was sitting in class this morning, preparing my usual spitballs to shoot at football head when Princess starts passing out her 'oh so impressive' invitations._

"One for you...one for you...one for, oh uh sorry Helga."

 _Like I wanted to attend her dumb party anyway. It's just a bunch of girls pretending to be twenty years older than they are by dressing up in uncomfortable clothes to impress guys not worth going out with? I mean, who taught them the meaning of the word fun anyway?_

 _Anyway, after school Pheebs seems to feel just because she was invited, the polite thing to do would be to humor Princess by making an appearance…_

"Well, I know you didn't get an invitation."

"I didn't WANT an invitation."

"But Helga…"

"No go! Go to Rhonda's party and have your little makeovers. It's no snot out of my nose!"

 _After Pheebs left me, I decided to spend the afternoon playing baseball with the guys. That is, until Blimpo decided to point out allowing me to play put a flaw in their "Boy's Only" plan._

 _As usual, he was sorry he ever messed with Helga G. Pataki. After making fun of my tomboyish traits depriving me of the chance to be included in Princess' 'perfect' sleepover, I chased his pink butt down the street, listening to him scream for his mommy!_

 _Once his fat self made it home and out of my reach, I past Princess' on the way home to hear her stuck up self doing lame impressions of me. I could have cared less. That is, until I heard Pheebs getting a kick out of it._

 _I decided I'd show 'em all! I went down to The Corner Store to grab one of their classy, snooty magazines that seem to turn them into what guys can't help but go all gaga over._

 _After being incredibly embarrassed checking it out thanks to Mrs. Johanson's stupid register not working right, I raced home to read what all the fuss was about._

 _Expecting some privacy in the bathroom (pttss...that was too much to ask) I began going through Olga's makeup._

"Hmm...am I a fire engine red or a pearly pink?"

"What's going on in there? The door's locked, what are you doing?"

"I'm fine mother! Can't I have a few moments of piece in the bathroom? Criminy!"

 _Gluing fake nails on, plucking my eyebrow, putting on mascara...how do girls put up with that crap every day?!_

 _When I finally gave into Miriam's nosiness and opened the door, I watched her faint at my appearance. Talk about showing emotional support._

 _After changing into what I assumed Princess would consider to be an appropriate outfit for her little shindig, I stuffed my bra with cotton balls and headed for the party._

 _I'm assuming she regretted her jokes the moment she saw me, seeing as how her expression wasn't much better than Miriam's._

"Helga?!"

"Rhonda darling! Great to see ya!"

 _Having invited myself in, I went to find the other girls just sitting, talking. Like you really needed to be fancy to pull that off?_

 _Everyone told me I looked great. Everyone that is, except for Pheebs. She tried to talk some sense into me, but I wouldn't listen. No one made me feel welcome when I acted like my rough, aggressive self._

 _After ignoring her little pep talk, I walked into the kitchen to see Rhonda had already given the girls facials. Green slime covered everyone's faces! There she waited for me to join them in their gross activity. I just couldn't do it!_

"STOP!"

"What's wrong?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong. This is STUPID! That's what's wrong!"

 _Princess insisted we needed such a thing to prevent wrinkles, signs of aging and all that other mumbo jumbo crap that senior citizens deal with. How close does she think we are to death anyway?_

 _It turned out to not be the biggest concern of the night when we heard someone at the window. I would have thought Pink boy would have learned his lesson after messing with me at the baseball game earlier that day. Apparently he and the other guys had decided to come back for more._

 _They thought they could scare us, but with Princess' creepy green paper mache activity, the joke turned out to be on them! We chased them down the street 'til Pink boy at last fell in front of us, where we took him back to Princess' for his own makeover._

 _I think I got most of this makeup off. I wonder if my eyebrow will end up growing back?_


	5. Chapter 5

Entry 5: The Heat

 _Rain, rain, go...well I guess you can stay. Beats the heck out of the day I just had. Sheesh!_

 _Despite having a working air conditioner, I wasn't about to spend my Saturday inside listening to Bob's usual rantings about his beeper empire while Miriam claimed the counter as her second bedroom._

 _I went outside to head over to Phoebe's. Maybe catch a movie or something. I knew I shouldn't hold my breath when I saw the line for it was just as bad as the pool. Oh well, at least I'd have someone to talk to._

 _As I walked in the scorching heat, wiping the sweat from my brow, I wondered if I'd make it to her house until I saw there was no need to continue. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Pheebs along with the rest of the group trying to get a treat from the Jolly Olly man._

 _Not a bad idea… I thought to myself, making my way towards the group._

 _Apparently, Mr. Big Shot felt the heat was a perfect opportunity to take advantage of whatever spare change we had in our pockets. For crying out loud! We're kids! We don't make what he was charging? Twenty freaking bucks for a scoop of ice cream?!_

 _Everyone was ticked off. No one more so than me…_

"You can't do this to us! It's not human!"

"Haven't you ever heard of supply and demand?"

"Yeah, well I DEMAND that you SUPPLY me with some ice cream, before I knock your teeth in!"

 _Not seeming to care about my threat, the jerk stood before me with his arms crossed wearing a glare the size of Arnold's head. Speaking of whom…_

 _My harsh threats were interrupted as I turned to see my beloved march straight up to the sorry excuse for a salesman._

"Hey! Let me tell you a little about my day Mr. Jolly Olly Man! The brown out shut down my air conditioning. My bag of ice melted before I could get it home. I couldn't get into the movie theater or the city pool. And NOW when I finally find a little relief from the head… a little ICE CREAM… you snatch it away! You'd better sell me some ice cream at a fair price, or face the consequences."

 _Not being bothered by my beloved's threat, the jerk simply turned his arrogant nose up and mocked…_

"You can't do anything. You're just a kid!"

"Oh yeah? No ice cream! No Peace! No ice cream! No peace!"

 _I watched my beloved start a remarkable protest in honor of our rights. He's always been there for us in our hour of need! Eh, I admit, with his inspiration on one side and the heat's brutality on the other, things went to a new level..._

"We want our ice cream, and we want it at a price we can afford!"

"You said it sister!"

"And if we don't get it, we're gonna do something really bad…"

 _Yeah, I was a little crazy. Hey, can you blame me? It was over 100 degrees out there!_

"Let's turn over the truck!"

 _What an idiot! He just stands back and watches us gang up on him, when he had PLENTY of time to hop in and drive away._

 _He owes every cent in that change drawer of his to football head!_

"Look, we have a right to be angry, but we can't let the heat make us that crazy."

 _Yeah, yeah, Mr. Goody Two Shoes once again trying to talk some sense into everyone (even if he was just fixing the mess he caused in the first place)._

 _Well, guess what? Even HE couldn't get through to us. Mr. Andrew Jackson was saved by a few raindrops that to this hour have not gone away._

 _It's supposed to be a wet week. What about it may set my beloved over the edge this time?_


	6. Chapter 6

Entry 6: The Vacant Lot

 _Every day our class is cursed with the dumb luck of playing our baseball games in the street like a bunch of hillbilly losers._

 _It doesn't matter if we're at the start of a game or at the bottom of the ninth with whatever pieces of junk we're having to use for bases loaded. If a car's coming, we're kicked out of 'the field' until we're lucky enough to get a red light._

 _After losing the ball, I'd had enough for one day. Like it wasn't bad enough having to spend half my afternoon switching from the sidewalk from the street. If I was looking to stretch my calves, I could have just stayed in gym all afternoon. Sheesh!_

 _I went home not expecting to wake up to any better news about where we'd be able to play our game the next day. Wonders never cease though._

 _After receiving a phone call to help pick up some cheap lot near the area of the street our last game had taken place in, I took the bus over to see what all the commotion was about._

"This better be worth is football head! I was watching court tv!"

 _With a dreamy smile on his face that made me go weak at the knees, he handed me a shovel to help clear whatever garbage was left in the field….more like to dig out whatever was left of the field in that massive pile of garbage!_

 _After picking up piece after piece of useless junk that had been left there to rot, the class got ready to finish the game that had been interrupted when our baseball fell into someone's truck yesterday._

 _It was the first game we ever played without having to worry about hearing…_

"CAR!"

 _Once we'd had enough for one day, everyone left happy to know the field was ours whenever we felt like getting together for a game. Or so we thought…_

 _We came back the next morning to see those eccentric 'neighbors' of football head had claimed the lot! Who did they think they were? They didn't spend half their weekend picking up other people's garbage!_

 _We worked hard for that space! We weren't just going to say "Oh well, easy come easy go." We tried playing, despite the senseless activities they had set up around us…_

 _Checkers on the pitcher's mound, chickens on the bases, plants on home plate? Is this not stuff they could be doing at home? Criminy!_

 _After seeing it was more trouble than it was worth playing there, we were reduced to moving our game to behind an alley._

 _It was no better than avoiding cars in the street after Sid busted a window with his oh so impressive batting skills. The group had nothing better to do then, than stare at the commotion that was forming across the street._

 _Apparently, those grown ups should have made a list of boundaries to follow as to what was allowed on the field and where._

 _My beloved then noticed the dumpster that still withheld the waste we had all collected from yesterday. We all knew what he was thinking and didn't hesitate to throw the two ton metal case on top of their precious field!_

"Hey Arnold! I want an explanation for this!"

"This is how the lot looked before we cleaned it up. Before we turned it into Gerald field, and before you guys kicked us out."

 _Bet they spent all night kicking themselves over that one, because this morning it was cleaned up and better than ever!_

 _Oh my love is so bold! Coming up with the most remarkable ideas!_


	7. Chapter 7

Entry 7: Operation Ruthless

 _Of all the idiotic things! Arnold, in love with Ruth!_

 _Pheebs and I were watching the Cheese Festival be set up when I saw her with a piece of Swiss cheese in her hand…_

"Phoebe, what are you doing?"

"According to festival tradition, Swiss cheese is the window to your soul. If you spin around three times, hold your breath, and look through a hole, it will guide you to your true love."

"Ha! Poppycock! Gimme That!"

 _Simmons has been leaving out information worth knowing in his Nutrition lectures. Sure enough, after following Pheebs' instructions, I was pointed in the direction of my beloved._

 _As I held the edible device close to my eyes, I watched him approach what appeared to be me. Drawing nearer...and nearer….until I see the little shrimp walk straight past me to get to Ruth~_

 _So what if she's pretty? It's not like he knows anything about her. Not to mention the fact she's two years older than him._

 _I wasn't giving up. Not without a fight! If I couldn't have him, I wasn't going to let Ruth~ take him._

 _Pheebs and I met up at the fair to put Operation Ruthless into action. First thing was first...draw Arnold's attention aware from her._

 _As I watched Geraldo hand him a stick of crummy cheese snacks that were supposed to pass as a gift, I chased Pheebs towards them, knocking football head to the ground._

"Whoops! How clumsy of you!"

 _Yeah, yeah, it was a crummy move. It's not like he cared about being with me though. I mean, the guy stood from the ground and still had his eyes set on the sixth grader like some sort of lovesick puppy!_

 _With or without a gift to give her, I watched him follow her into the House of Mirrors, mumbling the same line over and over…_

"Hi Ruth...Hi Ruth...Hi Ruth…" _Oh brother!_

 _After racing inside after him, I saw his innocent self ready to approach her. I took action! I stepped in front of him, making sure to steal his attention (and quite possibly his affections)._

 _After noticing my reflections surrounding him, he backed straight into me. Although I acted disgusted by the gesture, I was trembling mercilessly inside._

 _Obviously he wasn't going to give up on Ms. Slender Legs any easier than I was on him. Pheebs and I followed him to the bumper cars where I overheard the accelerator in car number four sticks…_

"Car Number 4, huh?"

 _I decided to assist Ms. Slender Legs into what I was sure would lead to a 'sticky' ride for her. After circling the court, waiting for Ms. Perfect to get slammed, I noticed her coming to a stop._

"Hey, she stopped? That's not car number 4, that's car number 3? Then who's in car number 4?

 _I'm sure you can guess where this is going…_

 _After looking to see the mistake I'd made, Phoebe and I went flying through the court and half way across the park._

 _I ought to sue those people! I ended up in a neck brace for riding a game fit for a three year old. I only had one chance left to take Arnold's attention away from Ruth._

 _I saw my beloved heading for what I had always dreamed of riding with him… The Tunnel of Love. If I just made a few adjustments in the line, I could be paired up with him._

 _Apparently I wasn't the only one there that night who had a desire to ride the ride without being paired up randomly._

 _I became incredibly agitated watching everyone jump over the fence to catch a glimpse at their partner for the ride. Who may I ask do you believe I got stuck with? Arnold? Pttss...yeah right._

 _I sat in a swan, leaning frustrated against the side of the boat, upset with the way my plans had turned out…_

"This has got to be the worst night of my life!"

 _As if sulking wasn't bad enough, my 'partner' thought riding beside me gave him the right to wrap his arm around me. Well, I fixed his wagon._

 _After knocking Brainy into the water, I left the ride to see Arnold fawning over Ruth, not bothered by the fact he hadn't spoken to her that night._

 _Now, here I am in my neck brace, wondering what the night would have been like if I had just gone up to Arnold and told him the truth? Said to him 'I love you Arnold! I've always loved you!'_

 _Nah...I made the right decision._


	8. Chapter 8

Entry 8: The Haunted Train

" _The legend of the haunted train!" Oh brother, have you ever heard something so stupid?_

 _It's like old people have nothing better to do than sit around and make up stories they feel are half as exciting as they wish their lives COULD have been._

 _I was walking down the street when I just happened to overhear…_

"Did I ever tell you boys about the time I worked for the railroad...and first heard the legend of the haunted train?!"

 _Practically every kid on the block made sure to get a front row seat for the old prune's 'urban legend.' Pttss...bet Geraldo was kicking himself for never having heard that one. Oh brother._

 _According to Mr. Storyteller of the Year, flickering lights, crappy music, and a long ride with no air fresheners was supposed to be the scariest experience on the planet._

 _Perhaps it would have been...had I believed a word of his malarkey!_

"I don't believe a word of it! I won't physical evidence! Indirect photography! Ectoplasmic samples! Physical energy fields!"

"Some things can't be proven with scientific evidence. It's a question of faith."

 _Pttss...faith! Like I was supposed to believe there's a train driven around town by a ghost!_

 _Football head decides to test my confidence by challenging me to show up at that piece of junk train station an hour after the street lights came on._

 _I wasn't scared of his lame test. I wasted my Saturday night at the station listening to him and Geraldo audition to be the next harmonica playing engineer._

"That's it! I'm out of here! There is no haunted train! There is no mad engineer! And you two chuckleheads are driving me nuts! And stop playing that harmonica!"

 _After my beloved pointed out the noise wasn't coming from him, he, Geraldo and I made our way onto what seemed to be a train with a blinding light._

 _Blinding light? Pttss... So what if it was one of the signs. Any light will blind any idiot who stares at it long enough._

 _Then I notice a disgusting stinch that Geraldo seemed to believe was me denying I had ripped one. Oh brother._

 _After deciding it smelled like rotten eggs, another coincidence, I began to hear the most horrifyingly ear-splitting music! It made football head's crappy harmonica performance not seem like such a bad thing to listen to._

 _My nerves may have begun to have gotten the best of me after that…_

"We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! I do believe in mad engineers! I do believe in haunted trains! I do! I do! I do!"

 _Hey! Would you be calm as could be if you were riding what was said to be a 'ghost train' without any explanation as to why every sign from it's haunted story was happening one by one?!_

 _Trying to get ahold of myself didn't go as planned when the lights began to flicker on and off. What kind of workers don't bother to replace their crappy merchandise when the time comes? Sheesh!_

 _Football head's need to relieve himself and Geraldo from their boredom had lead to nothing but me feeling as though I was on the verge of my deathbed. I fell to my knees, feeling my neck growing warmer and warmer, knowing we must be approaching the firey underworld._

 _I might as well say we did. I turned around to see Brainy standing there. I don't know if the loser was stalking me as always, or if he just needed a lift somewhere. Well, I took care of that for him, when the guys held open the door for me to throw his wheezing butt out into the river._

 _Having took care of his wheezing self, I turned around to see Geraldo pointing to our unwanted destination._

"I see it! I see the fire!"

 _My beloved as usual, came up with a plan. He and Geraldo grabbed the fire extinguisher from the back of the train, as I stood aside and shouted…_

"Ready! Aim! Fire!"

 _Did we hit our target? Yes. Was it an actual fire demon? Pttss...what do_ YOU _think?_

 _That was when the UN-ghostly engineer decided to come back to see what all the fuss was about._

"No one's allowed on this train except for the steel mill workers."

 _Apparently his excuse for the signs was that the train wasn't haunted, just a cheap piece of junk._

 _Well now that that's over and my logical sense has once again outweighed football head's dream big imagination, maybe I can get some shut eye!_


	9. Chapter 9

Entry 9: Roughin' It

"The great outdoors!"

 _I don't know who came up with that line, but they must not have taken ten steps outside the parameter of their own front yard._

 _Pheebs and I were riding in my dad's new RV, on our way to the woods for a camping trip (Bob's excuse for spending quality time with me)._

 _I had planned to do nothing more than hang out inside and watch tv. Flipping through the channels, thinking I'd be lucky just to find a re-run of Wrestlemania, I listened to Pheebs say…_

"Did you happen to observe the occupants in the adjacent campsite were none other than Arnold and Gerald?"

"What! Arnold! In the next campsite?!"

 _So what if I spit my soda all over my dad's tv and dropped the remainder of it on the floor of his precious rv...I was camping within just a few yards of him!_

 _I left Phoebe to be alone a moment. Thinking to myself, if only there was a way to be alone with Arnold._

 _After prancing around, dreaming I was holding him in my arms, I ran into a sign with the name of what I was sure would be the perfect spot to confess my feelings for him!_

"Ofelia's Overlook...what a better place to express my true feelings."

 _The plan was concocted. It was just a matter of putting it into action. I yelled for Pheebs to join me outside, dragging her over to see the football head moping beside tall hair boy._

 _The pathetic, exhausted, lifeless faces they were wearing was ALMOST enough to kill my desire to drag him along on that five mile hike._

 _After being called back to camp, moments after teasing the football head about how lame his way of camping was, I realized that pitiful, petty expression the two of them were wearing would be the perfect way to rope him for my plan._

"Hey dad. Those guys over there are in my class, and not that I really like either of them or anything, but I was thinking, they look kind of hungry. Maybe we should invite them over to eat."

 _You'd think they hadn't eaten in weeks. Not even ten seconds after Bob scowled for them to join us, they were sitting at our table._

 _As anxious as they were to start, I was even more anxious to see them finish…_

"So dad, I've been thinking. Why don't we all go for a nice hike in the woods?"

 _Pheebs was no help after he questioned why I would want to do such a thing. Pttss...how could she be that clueless?_

 _It didn't matter though. All I had to do was remind Bob what a great chance this would be for him to show off both his skills and equipment. I swear, the guy's more obsessed with success than Princess._

 _Once everyone agreed to spend the afternoon marching through bug infested trails, we made it to the top of the hill to find Bob's equipment was as 'successful' as he had thought._

"Uhhh dad? I think something's wrong with our lunch?"

"Well, at least there's one good way to get rid of faulty equipment on the trail…"

 _Basically, I spent hours lugging a fridge twice my weight with non-edible food, only to watch it be thrown off the cliff I had intended to spend moments alone with my beloved on. Did such a moment end up occuring? Pttss...yeah right._

"Well, let's get back to camp. We've still got some steaks in the freezer."

 _I stood frustrated on the edge of the cliff, knowing the whole afternoon had been a waste… perhaps even the trip. If I couldn't spend time with Arnold, why WAS it a big deal if he was camping right next door?_

 _That turned out to not be my biggest problem when the sun started going down and I realized we were still nowhere near camp._

 _Bob, being the big shot that he is, said we'd be nearing it soon. That is, until he had some sense knocked (or should I say shocked) into him. After seeing him try to turn off another piece of him lame camping gear, his stupid mister zapped him against the nearest tree._

"Are you okay Mr. Pataki?"

"Am I okay? Look at me! The food's gone, my neck's burnt, the mister doesn't work. At the top of the loft, we're lost!"

 _Parent of the year….once again! I can only assume this is why they never bothered to waste their adult supervision skills on me. They can barely keep an eye on themselves._

 _Despite the hopeless situation we appeared to be in, my beloved came through for us._

"Actually, Gerald and me can get us back. Grandpa taught us how to follow trails."

 _Letting a nine year old serve as a forest tour guide may not have seemed like the brightest idea, but Bob sure wasn't going to help. What an idiot!_

 _Having made it back an hour or so later, we listened to Arnold TRY to warn my dad not to walk through the poison ivy that laid directly in front of the campsite. Did he listen? Umm….does he ever?!_

 _While his burnt, itchy self spent the remainder of the evening soaking his feet, Pheebs and I joined the guys over at their campsite. I roasted marshmallows and sat by my beloved, listening to him sing songs about… okay fine, the outdoors._

 _As warm as the fire was, it couldn't compare to the warmth I felt in my heart from the closeness of his presence._


	10. Chapter 10

Entry 10: Wheezin' Ed

 _I just spent the day on some dumb treasure hunt. Why must I continue to allow the torture of depriving myself a chance to be with my beloved to override my dignity?_

 _I marched along the docks past our lame classmates who were finding their own activities to amuse themselves with, until I spotted him sitting alone. No one else near him; the perfect opportunity to open up and be myself with him._

"And yet I can't get a dang blasted minute alone with him!"

 _These lame brian classmates of mine must be telepathic or something, because they all shared the same idea to meet football head at the edge of the pier when I was about to._

 _There we heard Geraldo explaining to football head some freak named Wheezin' Ed lives alone on the island football head couldn't take his eyes off of (Elk Island)._

 _According to Mr. Urban Legends, this Wheezin' Ed character is supposed to be some sort of pirate treasure hoarder. Well, guess who just HAD to see it for himself?_

 _Football head got Sheena's crazy uncle Earl to sell (that's right sell) us all a ride out there._

 _Once we made it to treasure land, we saw the cave had three paths to choose from._

"If we're going to go along with this, let's at least be organized! We'll split up into parties of two!"

 _Pheebs assumed I would pick her as my partner. Nothing personal, but I wasn't about to blow an opportunity to be near Arnold._

 _Mr. Goody Two Shoes decided to let me have my way and started leaving jelly beans all over the floor._

"Hey, what's with the jelly beans?"

"I'm leaving a trail we can follow back."

 _Pttss...leaving a trail. Who carries a full bag of candy around in their pocket like that for such and 'emergency' anyway?_

 _Yet, despite how ridiculous it seemed, it proved once again how reliable my beloved is._

 _As the two of us moved further along the tunnel, while I did a terrible job of showing him my sensitive side, neither of us saw any signs of a treasure existing._

 _All that showed was my rage, making it clear how annoyed I was with the whole situation, after he bumped into me._

"Look, why don't I take this tunnel, and you take that one. See ya."

 _I stood there blurting out my emotional despairs. Why did I have to act that way? Arnold is the sweetest, most understanding person there is. He's the last person I should have to worry about judging me for opening up to him. A tiny light shone inside me at that moment and demanded I march right back and explain my reasons for my actions._

"Arnold! Wait!"

 _Trying to catch my breath, I was shushed as I listened to the football head ask me if I had heard anything. Before I could think about it, the two of us looked up to see 'Wheezin' Ed' standing before us. When you hear who it is, you'll agree there's no need to change the name._

 _Pheebs and the rest of the class heard my screams after jumping into Arnold's arms (he's always there to hold me when I'm scared Ohhh ~)._

 _I watched the figure walk into Pheebs' flickering flashlight, only to see Brainy standing boldly there._

"What are you doing here?!"

"Wheeze...Uh...Wheeze...something?"

 _The group then backed away to see Arnold and I with our arms around one another. The thought of having to act as though it repulsed me, ALMOST made me wish Brainy would have stuck around._

 _Arnold was ready to admit defeat by that point and suggested we leave. Well, like I said, we'd be lost without my beloved. He fell through a hole that lead us straight to the so called "Treasure of Wheezin' Ed."_

 _Heck, the group was so hungover on it, no one bothered to notice it was just a bunch of crappy counterfeit pennies. The idiots making it could have attempted to take an art class before wasting their time on such a cheap trick._

 _When the jerks found us, they began to chase us out of the so called "Treasure Room." Geraldo was ready to ask Arnold for his leadership qualities yet again, when my beloved easily said…_

"Don't worry Gerald. Just follow the jelly beans."

 _I guess it's a good thing those crooks chased us out when they dig. Pink boy had decided to help himself to our 'way back' system. Seeing him eat his way half way down the tunnel, we ran past him only to hear the poor slob screaming after us "HELP! MOMMY!" Pttss...oh brother!_

 _Having found our way out of 'treasure planet' the group toppled over on each other, in front of a couple of cops, awaiting the crooks who were chasing us. Justice at last!_

 _After watching those freaks get cuffed and charged, we got a FREE ride back to the docks. The one good deal of the day._


	11. Chapter 11

Entry 11: Das Subway

 _Public transportation...what a crock!_

 _Making it out alive of an unbearable two hour long movie, we came to find the sun going down on us._

 _Pheebs calculated and confirmed that being the unemployed little people we are, taking a cab was out of the question._

 _Standing there, watching the downtown bus pass us by, I listened to Pink boy say…_

"We could walk?"

 _Walk?! How close did he think we lived to the freakin' theater?! Not to mention the possibility of being eaten alive by RATS! Uhhh I hate rats!_

 _Then football head has this bizarre idea to take something no SANE person would attempt after sundown…_

"We'll take the subway!"

 _Well, it was that or walk. Before our feeble minds knew it, we were underground, awaiting our ride._

 _I stepped into the car with the group and listened to Geraldo re-explain our direction plan until he discovered a flaw in the car he had chosen for us to get on…_

"Oh no! We should really be on the F train!"

 _Little did we know, having to make an extra stop in between our final destination would be the LEAST of our troubles._

 _After taking my seat, I leaned back in a comfortable position as I admitted to Arnold the subway wasn't such a bad idea. Think before you speak!_

 _No sooner had I said that, the car jolted to a stop and we were slammed against the door. I stood up holding my throbbing head, as I listened to the petrified conductor say "Remain calm."_

 _Can you EVER recall a time someone said 'remain calm' for no reason? If there wasn't a problem to worry about, the train would have been moving! DOI!_

 _It was bad enough. I was surrounded by a bunch of looney passengers more eccentric than Arnold's boarding house neighbors._

 _I had to listen to some claustrophobic lady try to accomplish her fears by doing breathing exercises over and over…_

"Big open spaces! Big open spaces! Big open spaces!"

 _Then Pink boy decides to give the blind guy at the end of the car a reason to complain every five minutes._

"Stop climbing! You need to take a bath! Quick sucking up all the good air!"

 _That could drive a person insane! Between the venting, the complaining, and the constant wondering of if OR when we'd ever be getting out of there should occur…. It was hard to keep a stable mind._

"We're all going to starve, get eaten alive by rats, and die! We're all doomed! Doomed! Doomed!"

 _Hey! I had every right to be a bit edgy bucko!_

 _Of course, I was the one singled out for the cause of everyone's dementia when that tight spaced woman's 'healer' said to Arnold…_

"Please! Would you shut your little friend up? She's making us all crazy!"

 _Pttss...whatever floats his boat._

 _The lame doctor got his wish when Pink boy's 'friend' sensed chocolate nearby. I went from sobbing to screaming!_

"We're all starving and you're holding out on us!"

 _We ALL were screaming at that point. Those looney passengers chased my friends and I up the poles even after Pink boy had finished the last of the chocolate. Pawing at us like WE were edible? Were they cannibals? Sheesh!_

 _Apparently dog is man's best friend, because the only thing serious enough to stop those freaks was hearing the blind guy's dog wasn't feeling well._

"Hey, there's something wrong with this dog?"

 _We're supposed to be taking an aptitude test this year. Something tells me Arnold will be scoring veterinarian on it, because football head delivered a set of puppies right there on the train. Wonders never cease._

 _Just when everyone had gotten back to a sane level, the train started. All we had left to worry about was making it home without any further disruptions. Pttss...of course that was too much to ask for._

"Hang on everybody! I got something to say!"

 _How could I forget mentioning the fun passenger who seemed to believe we were trespassing on his personal property by riding a public transportation system._

 _After listening to him whine…_

"Get out of my house!"

 _Over and over, he decides what better way to celebrate the return of his home's power, than by joining hands and singing._

 _Heck, as sad as it sounds, I was too relieved to care at that point. Here I am, at home, safe, RAT FREE!_


	12. Chapter 12

Entry 12: The Spelling Bee

 _What good does it do someone to win something if they didn't do it on their own? Even more so, if it means hurting someone they truly care about?_

 _I stood at the front of the class, one of the final two who were picked to represent P.S. 118 in the city wide spelling bee; me and Arnold._

"Good luck you two. Helga, don't spend all that money in one place."

 _Ms. Slovack winked, sure I would win. My two choices were study hard and beat my beloved, (knowing I had crushed his spirit), or lose the contest along with my dignity. Oh and one other thing…._

"If my daughter Helga doesn't win tomorrow, you get your first beeper free!"

 _BOB! His constant arrogance and the need to take advantage of any opportunity to shove his business into another person's face had managed to find itself a home here._

 _Being drilled with question after question like some sort of witness in court, I insisted this had gone on long enough._

"Please dad. I'm so tired."

 _Obviously, I was exhausted. Since when does Bob show anyone even the slightest bit of empathy?_

 _Not only did he refuse to back off, he felt the perfect way to encourage me would be by bringing up one of Olga's~ special memories._

"I'll never forget when she got that final word...qualm; qua-L-m."

 _I already knew he wasn't going to be sitting in the audience with the other parents, cheering because he was proud to have me as his daughter. He would be sitting there, anxiously awaiting the moment I won so his precious store didn't plumitt. Salesman of the month or father of the year? Like I really needed to study to figure that one out._

 _After getting whatever little sleep my mind allowed me to, I went downstairs to see Bob already dressed and ready to head downtown. Criminy, why was he so fixated on this? He never cares to remember I exist, what made his high and mighty self decide to start now?_

 _From the moment I saw him standing by Miriam's drooling self in the kitchen to the second we arrived at City Hall, I listened to him rant about everything that was riding on this competition…._

"We got beepers riding on this thing, so when you're up there, where this around your neck."

 _I don't know what I found to be more insulting. My dad not believing I would win, or him being so certain anything about Olga~ would guarantee I did win. Pttss...I had half a mind to throw the bee right there and then._

 _I then dragged my way on stage, nearly breaking my neck thanks to The Golden Child's two ton metal, to begin the vie against my beloved._

"Everyone knows the rules. Last speller standing, is the city champion."

 _The lovely mishap with a geek who seemed to be feeding off the answers through an earpiece he was wearing, may make them reconsider how simple they make the rules._

 _As our turns passed, my nerves shook intensely. I didn't care about Bob's stupid store or the crappy merchandise that went along with it. It was just a matter of showing what I was capable of. Maybe I wasn't even trying to prove anything to Bob. I just needed to remind myself I'm as good as Olga is, even if they're too blind to realize it. Was that feeling of self recognition really worth crushing my beloved however?_

 _The emotional conflict I struggled with on stage soon answered itself when I saw him angrily crumple and toss aside a small sheet of paper in my direction._

"I can't believe it! He didn't think I could do it on my own!"

 _Bob spent weeks cramming knowledge into my head just to bribe someone to take a dive and_ LET _me win? And_ ARNOLD _nonetheless!_

 _If I wasn't doing this for him to begin with, I sure as heck wasn't going to let the confirmation of him having no faith in me whatsoever change that! I was then free to end my suffering._

"Alright Helga you're next. You're word is qualm."

 _It was like destiny paging Bob to give up._

"Let's see...qualm. Q-U-A-L...X?"

 _A smile grew on my face the size of Arnold's head. Justice was at last served and Bob was no longer my problem...at least for the time being._

 _I watched a crowd of hungry customers chase him onto the street, as if they'd been waiting for me to blow the competition from the start._

 _So what if no one has faith in me? It can't compare to the pain of knowing I may hurt the only person in my life I truly care about._


	13. Chapter 13

Entry 13: Olga Comes Home

 _Why couldn't I have been an only child?_

 _Most parents make a somewhat decent attempt to give their kids an equal amount of attention. Not shove one to the side while showering the other with excessive affections._

 _Home should be seen as an escape route from school, not vice versa. I sat in class the day before my obnoxious sister was returning home for spring break. Rather than wasting her time on the history lecture, Ms. Slovak decided to waste_ MY _time by taking a stroll down memory lane and preaching to the class about her lovely memories of teaching The Golden Child years ago._

"If we all ask nicely, Helga will ask her sister to visit us and tell us all about the exciting life she's been leading at Wellington College."

 _Pttss...yeah, I'll get right on that._

 _The only time my parents ever get along is when Ms. Mary Sunshine is around. It's as if they intentionally save their affections for her._

 _As I sat in the living room, watching Bob and Miriam put whatever finishing touches they felt were necessary for Ms. Perfect on the house, I heard a knock at the door._

 _Bob ran for it, more excited than he is when he sees his beeper commercial come on._

"She's here! She's here!"

 _I watched my sorry excuse for a sister standing, waiting to be greeted with an enormous hug. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. How can I say 'sorry excuse for' when I've been rambling on about how perfect she is?_

 _Well let me ask you something bucko. What kind of a sibling makes sure to take advantage of every opportunity to show themselves off? In other words, remind their parents fifty times a day how much more they love them than they do_ YOU?!

 _After greeting Bob and Miriam, Olga came to tell me what a lovely young lady I'm turning into. Whatever floats her boat I suppose._

 _By the middle of the week, having listened to nothing but constant stories of her successful extra curricular activities, performances, and grades, I was ready to rip my hair out!_

 _I couldn't even answer the phone without having to worry about it relating to her._

 _As I laid near the staircase, I heard the mail being dropped through the door. I had nothing better to do to pass the time than check it._

"Bill, bill, bill, hey what's this? Personal and confidential. Probably Olga's grades."

 _So what if I snuck a peak? Pttss...You can't tell me you've never opened a family member's letter before._

 _I don't expect anyway not in a similar position to understand the frustration of seeing their much more favored sibling growing more and more successful by the second._

 _I'll just go ahead and admit, it wasn't exactly giving myself esteem room to grow (let alone time to heal)._

 _Bob and Miriam were never going to see me as the big shot they've always known her to be. The only snowball's chance of them seeing us equally would be to bring her DOWN a notch._

"To change the grades, or not to change the grades?"

 _It was the first dinner I was enjoying myself at all week, as I anxiously awaited her to finish yet another of her oh so impressive stories, so I could commence the moment of justice._

"Oh I almost forgot Olga. This letter came for you in the mail today."

"Oh goody my grades! Can you believe I've gotten straight A's since the third grade?!"

 _I slurped my soup with an evil grin on my face, waiting for her to see the asterisk on her list of perfect achievements._

 _Listening to her happily read the A's aloud, I couldn't help but laugh when I heard her quivering lips release…_

"B...plus?"

 _Fine, I made one little 'deserving' correction on her sheet. You have no idea how good it felt. To no longer be left in her gloating shadow._

 _Of course, just because I destroyed her bragging rights, doesn't mean Bob and Miriam turned their attention away from her._

"I just can't stand to see her like this. B+"

"Leave her alone B, she's depressed."

"It's been a whole day. She can't just lay around the house moping like this."

"Sure she can. I do."

"Well it's not helping. I've got to find a way to snap her out of this!"

 _What all did he try? Oh nothing too fancy. Candy, a fancy dress, topped off by first class seats to a broadway musical. Did it work? Pttss...of course not._

 _What was once seen as The Golden Child continued to mope, as if the existence of the planet depended on her GPA. Sheesh._

 _Days went by and I was in the best mood I had been in in weeks. That is, until a certain someone felt the need to talk some sense into me._

"That was kind of an evil trick to play?"

"Yeah."

"She must be really depressed."

"Yeah?"

"I mean, she must be feeling really low and down on herself."

"So what's your point?"

"I always wanted to have a brother or sister. I always thought those relationships were kind of special."

 _Special? Why would I find anything about always having someone I was seen as second to special?_

 _It didn't matter how I felt about that in the end. Football head's speech went past my desires and hit me right in the conscience._

 _I thought I didn't care about anything he said until I had a crazy dream with him talking some sense into me._

"You know what you have to do. You must do the right thing."

 _Annoyed by the fact I indeed did know what I had to do, I marched into Olga's room, turned off her annoyingly deppressing music, turned on the lights and said…_

"Look here's the deal, you didn't get a B+"

 _After explaining the ordeal and my reasons for having done so, Ms. Perfect tells me what a terrible thing it was for me to do._

 _I sat there, wondering how she could have the nerve to lay the guilt trip on me after the perfect life she's led until I heard her say…_

"I'm not going to tell them."

 _I cocked my brow while listening to her explain how sick she gets of her do gooder performances, and how grateful I should be for being ignored. If that's the case, then why does she try so hard?_

 _I suppose just to savor the title 'I'm number one.' Wonders never cease._


	14. Chapter 14

Entry 14: Arnold's Christmas

 _My feet are as cold as my heart is warm._

 _I just spent the night looking up every freakin' name in the city to try and find a missing girl. Not just any missing girl though. The daughter of one of Arnold's eccentric boarders, Mr Hy…? Oh heck, I don't know how to spell it._

 _Just like every normal kid, I was ecstatic to hear Christmas break had begun when our last class let out. I raced down the streets to see Princess and practically every other girl we knew eyeing a pair of Nancy Spumoni snow boots in the window of a clothing store I wouldn't normally think twice about wasting my time in._

"I've got to have those boots!"

"You and every other girl in the city, Helga! The stores are sold out!"

 _Pttss...what does she know? I told her I'd get a pair, and sure enough, it happened. As much as it meant to me, there was one thing that meant more…_

"I'm going to get Mr. Hyunh and his daughter together."

 _Oh Arnold, so caring and giving. Spending every free moment of his own to add a bit of light to another person's life…_

 _Anyway, I overheard him and Geraldo doing a bit of shopping for this Mr. Bailey guy. If football head got everything on the list, Bailey would find Arnold's friend. Seemed simple enough._

 _Let me tell you something bucko. Quality Christmas shopping isn't exactly considered to be a piece of cake!_

 _As I was doing my own shopping, hoping to find the perfect gift for my beloved (trying not to rip my hair out during the process), I saw football head's shopping list slip out of his pocket._

 _Guess what was on it? No, not the flashy, overpriced video game I spent hours picking out for him._

"Nancy Spumoni Snow boots?"

 _At last! I knew what my beloved needed to make him happy! Why he would need a pair was beyond me, but that wasn't important. Anything to make him happy!_

 _I followed him and tall hair boy across the city, watching them be laughed at by practically every jerk cashier in town! What the heck did they still have the advertisements of the boots hanging in the window for if they were just going to mock the customers for requesting them?! Sheesh!_

 _Anyway, I finally watched my beloved and his friend give into the idea of finding a pair.._

"I can't believe there isn't one pair of Nancy Spumoni Snow Boots left in this whole city."

 _Slowly making my way home, I took a seat in the living room, listening to Bob and Miriam get a kick out of Olga playing Christmas music on the piano._

 _Shockingly, Miriam (sober believe it or not) took an interest in my down appearance._

"You look depressed! Why don't you open one of your gifts early!"

 _I couldn't believe my eyes!_

"Nancy Spumoni Snow Boots?! Oh my gosh!"

"I stood in line for 18 hours to get these Helga. I swear, they must be the last pair in the whole city!"

 _I wasted no time going to try them out. I spun around in the snow, just picturing myself showing them off at school! Nothing could ruin the moment! Nothing…_

 _I then looked down to see Arnold's list had fallen out of my pocket and the special gift he needed to make his Christmas perfect remained on it._

 _With my head hanging low, I had a decision to make. I had to ask myself, whose happiness meant more to me, my beloved's or my own?_

 _Before I knew it, I was racing across town with a box of coveted shoes ready to hand over to the person I knew could help out my beloved._

"Here you go! One pair of Nancy Spumoni Snow Boots! We've got a missing person to find!"

 _Bailey blinked in bewilderment, not showing a speck of appreciation for what I had just handed him. Yeah, yeah he was tired. I had spent all afternoon and evening circling the blasted city for a gift myself. I was tired too?!_

"Look kid, I appreciate your little speech, but it's late. I'm going home."

 _My beloved is all about believing in miracles, and if there was ever a time for it, it was tonight._

"Look, you've got a choice here. Either you and me can search all night for this missing person or you can leave now. But if you leave now, that little football headed kid will never believe in miracles again."

 _Now here I am after hours of computer work, waiting to take this Mai girl to Arnold's tomorrow morning. Although I won't be going in with her to see the look on my beloved's face, knowing he'll be getting what he needed to make his Christmas complete is all the happiness I need._


	15. Chapter 15

Entry 15: False Alarm

 _Every class has a black sheep, be it because they're clumsy, perfect, or just plain weird._

 _I sat in class one day during one of Simmons' boring Nutrition lectures, wondering what made this guy think these oh so impressive lessons would never make anyone want to touch a candy bar again, until I head…_

RINGGGGGG!

 _Everyone jumped from their seats and exited the building, quicker than Pink boy heads for the cafeteria when the_ LUNCH _bell goes off. Well, this wasn't the lunch bell. Some wise guy had decided, what better way to end school early than by committing a felony?_

"Come back! It's a false alarm!"

 _Did the old man's voice carry so far across the streets that every kid from school decided to say to themselves…_ "Oh well in that case, let's get back to class."

 _Pttss...dream on._

 _It did happen eventually though, and to one student's sorry dismay, Wartz was ready to unleash his own firey rage._

 _Of course, he can't let a single day pass without following his precious school constitution booklet, which every genius finds someway to be in clear violation of at some point or another._

 _According to it, the genius who pulled the prank was given the right to a fair trial. Who exactly was that genius?_

"Eugene Horowitz. You have been found guilty for pulling the fire alarm, a most serious offense!"

"But I didn't do it!"

"Now according to the bylaws of this school district, you can only be expelled after being found guilty by a jury of your school peers."

 _Pttss...yeah, like we were supposed to believe him after all the evidence seen. I was sure we'd be in and out with plenty of time for me to make it to Wrestlemania._

 _Of course, who do you think had to put a damper on my plan as the votes were being so confidently read…_

"Guilty, guilty, and NOT guilty?"

"Helga, these votes are supposed to be confidential."

"Phoebe, quit kidding around and change your vote so we can get out of here. I've got tickets to Wrestlemania."

"Phoebe didn't vote, not guilty. I did."

 _Says the annoying do gooder little shrimp who just HAS to see the good in everyone. So what happens? We go through the same list of evidence that had already been mentioned (peanut butter, glasses, footprints…only in a much more annoyingly descriptive style)._

"The peanut butter was the same style, creamy, as Eugene usually eats. Although he has also enjoyed chunky on occasion."

 _Peanut butter smeared all over the alarm after the klutz just happened to have eaten a peanut butter sandwich at lunch that day._

"A pair of glasses were found a few feet from the scene of the crime. A few minutes after the fire alarm, the students were allowed to reenter the building. It was at this point the eyeglasses in question were discovered by our own classmate Sid."

 _Tell me, how many people find the solution to a pair of broken glasses to be taping them as opposed to simply buying themselves a new set? Oh brother._

"Footprints were found leading up to the fire alarm and to a nearby closet. They were of the same size and unusual make of Eugene's distinctive sandals."

 _Foot prints from some weird sandals only a geek like him would wear. What kind of sandals (let only any shoes for that matter) leave that noticeable of footprints_ INDOORS?

"A pencil stub with the word WANKYLAND was found outside the broom closet."

 _I don't know too many geek wads in our class who spend more time chewing on their pencil than they do writing with it? Oh and to top it off, his royal clumsiness was hiding in the broom closet!_

 _Was it enough to bring football head's optimistic thinking down a notch? Pttss what do_ YOU _think?_

"I'm still not convinced. Look you guys. I'm not saying Eugene couldn't have done it. I'm just saying I still have reasonable doubt."

 _So what happens next? I get to sit and listen to football head give an innocent version of his set up story while angrily sitting there, wondering if I was going to miss my favorite wrestler getting beat by Hayton Calhoun._

 _Then Mr. Dreams Big decides to glue everyone's attention to himself by pointing out there was one piece of evidence that made it impossible for Eugene to have done this. No, not those dorky sandals._

"THE WANKYLAND PENCIL!"

 _After pointing out Mr. Trips-a-lot's inability to revisit fun land due to his clumsiness, Arnold makes us reconsider the idea that maybe...oh just maybe...he was set up. That the pencil wasn't actually HIS to begin with. Yet, the guy still had the nerve to chew all over it like it was his own personal sandwich?_

"OK! OK! I did it! I confess!"

 _All eyes went to the weirdo (yeah, the weirdo) at the end of the table._

"But why Curly?"

" _Mr. Couldn't fit in if his life depended on it" then starts spilling his guts about feeling the need to seek revenge all for lending his pencil to the clumsy kid, just to have it returned looking even worse than it did to begin with. What a loser._

 _After watching our class' black sheep get his disturbing chuckles in, all eyes went to Arnold, seeing he had once again, solved a problem for us._

 _Eugene was found innocent and my love yet again delivered another example to add to the list of remarkable deeds he's known for. This world would be lost without his optimistic way of thinking. One day I will find the strength to show him my appreciation for it._


	16. Chapter 16

Entry 16: World Records

 _Tell me, who woke up one morning and said to themselves…_

"That's the biggest bubble I've ever seen anyone blow with their gum. I've got to find a book to publish it in!"

 _Book of world records? Pttss...who would_ _waste their time trying to be recognized for a trait they know is worthless? I think we both know the answer to that…_

 _I was walking down the street, assuming I'd run into Pheebs eventually, and what do I see? Practically everyone in class gathered on football head's front porch looking at what's said to be the most coveted book on the planet._

"We were just looking at this book of world records!"

 _After seeing the enthusiasm stretching across my beloved's face as he held the book in his hands, I faked an interest as I snatched it and said_

"Give me that! Most fingertip push ups? This isn't a book of records, it's a book of morons!"

 _Yeah, it would be cool to be recognized for something no one else could do….something_ normal.

 _Having felt I was wasting my time staring at that eccentric novel, I motioned for Pheebs to join be at the river._

 _My negative outlook on this century's most talented artists must have had an effect on the group, because soon football head and tall hair boy were sitting alone with their precious book._

 _Did my insisting on not bothering to waste their time attempting to be the next big shots work? Pttss...of course not._

 _Before I knew it, those two had our whole class helping them with their unrealistic dream._

 _I suppose his subconscious' dream was to create the world's biggest hospital bill considering all the lame stunts he tried…_

 _The highest pyramid of kids. Not that it was a brilliant idea to begin with, but what made those idiots believe sticking Eugene/klutzilla on the bottom would make their dream come true?_

 _Arnold didn't let that cramp his optimistic style however. Next was the longest game of Crack the Whip. Again, why would those losers include the king of fools in such an activity? Their game goes from 'Crack the Whip' to 'Crash and Trip.' Criminy!_

 _Finally, football head decides to put_ EVERYONE'S _coordination skills to the test, by having them all ride on the same bike...and downhill nonetheless!_

 _I wasn't about to participate in any of that nonsense. Instead, I decided to try pulling Arnold's head out of the clouds by knocking some realistic thinking into that overly optimistic dream head of his…_

"Look Arnold! Wake up! How many things do you have to fail at? How many windmills have to knock you on your butt before you realize you're just an average kid with a bunch of average friends and you can't do anything better than anybody else?"

 _Of course, the word_ can't _is not in my beloved's vocabulary. He seems to see it as more of a challenge…_

"That's not true Helga. There's lots of things we can do that no one else can!"

 _Then his royal hopefulness seems to feel a bunch of useless traits our friends possess could somehow combine into something worth being recognized for (let alone appreciated)._

 _Stinko's tightening skills, Pheebs' cooking knowledge, and Geraldo's extra use for a set of car keys. Please, bring in the news cameras._

"We'll cook something!"

"Like what? The world's biggest casserole?"

"No! The world's biggest Pizza Puff!"

 _Again...I did not care to participate, though I will admit, as usual I admired his determination. The way he never feels the need to consider the down side of a situation. There's always a solution to a problem that occurs. If there was ever a book 'Try, try, and try again' I have a good idea, whose face would be on the cover._

 _Anyway, before we knew it, football head had the entire neighborhood not only cooking, but donating whatever necessary items were needed for this crazy project._

 _I gotta say, by the time it was ready to be cooked, even I was starting to get my hopes up. The neighborhood stood and watched the over-sized dish cooking as Arnold went through everything they should have covered aloud…_

"I hope we used enough baking soda?"

"150 teaspoons should be plenty."

 _Was it? Well there's really no telling, seeing as how some moron doesn't know anymore about cooking than he does about test taking._

"Teaspoons? I didn't know it was teaspoons?"

"What did you think TSP stood for?"

 _The group turned to look at the dork in the cowboy boots as we all listened to him say…_

"Uhhh...10 square pounds."

 _Oh brother! I'm sure you can guess where this is going. After the over-sized Italian dish blew to smithereens, I watched my beloved at last fall to the ground as he listened to Geraldo say…_

"Maybe we're not special. Maybe we're not unique. Maybe we'll never break a world record."

 _I just wanted to shout_ 'UMM DOI!'

 _Football head just can't keep his head down however. Seconds later he was racing home to write some letter. For all I knew, he was just trying to avoid cleaning the mess he caused (literally)_

 _Days later, we all saw him running outside with news that we're being put in the book of world records just for_ attempting _to get into it. Pttss...excuse me while I go tell Miriam she can overcome her smoothie obsession if she just_ attempts _to stay away from the blender._

"They say we're the most determined neighborhood they've ever heard of!"

 _Yeah the reason for being put in there is a bit unorthodox, but thanks to my beloved, I'll go to bed every night from here on out knowing I'm as famous to the world as he is special to my heart. Ohh ~_


	17. Chapter 17

Entry 17: Magic Show

 _Are you one of those people that believes dreams foretell the future? Well, you can really learn a thing or two from them bucko._

 _I was sitting on the couch this morning, not expecting anything out of the ordinary to happen. School was out, but that didn't mean there was anything worth doing. That is, until I heard the mail being dropped in…_

"Bill, bill, hey what's this? You're invited to a magic show to see The Great Arnoldini!"

 _My love never ceases to amaze me with that exceedingly wild imagination of his. I had to see it for myself._

 _Miriam watched me approaching the door, wanting to know where I was off to. Since when does she take an interest in my life?_

"I've got plans."

"But it's your father's birthday!"

 _Not having cared about what I was walking out on, I made my way to the show, upset Pheebs' hadn't considered saving me a seat._

"You do everything wrong Pheebs! Everything!"

 _Yeah I need to cut her a break. Not only that, show her how appreciative I truly am to have a friend like her. All I ever do is walk all over her, and yet she still puts up with it. Quite similar to somebody else…_

"Here he is! The great Arnoldini!"

"Oh brother we're living in geeksville!"

 _Yeah, I was a little quick to jump on him the way I did, but can you blame me? I mean, two pigeons flew out of his pants for crying out loud!_

 _I could tell the show was going to be a disaster. I had already caused a commotion by kicking Pink boy out of his seat, I wasn't afraid to continue on with my dissatisfaction._

 _After mocking each trick he hoped to amuse the audience with, Geraldo suggests moving to the grand finale, which Pink boy is thrilled to suggest volunteering me for._

"Make Helga disappear! Make Helga disappear!"

 _Did it hurt hearing the crowd cheer unanimously to have me drop off the face of the earth? Ummm DOI!_

 _I wasn't about to let those losers get wise to it though._

"Alright you morons! I'll do it! I'll go in the dumb box!"

 _As I stood inside, waiting to see exactly what lame trick headboy had up his sleeve, he said just to stand there._

 _Sure enough, that was all I had to do. Whatever cheap store they rigged that thing from designed it to come with an inside flap to scroll down in front of the person standing in there._

 _I can only think of one thing that's sadder...anyone believe it's capable for someone to actually disappear!_

 _Well, those jerk wads wanted a show_ AND _for me to disappear, so I decided to give them what they came there for._

 _I snuck out the back of the oh so impressive box, and watched from behind the fence to see Arnold fail to bring me back._

 _After laughing profusely at his failed attempt to return me to the crowd, the joke turned out to be on me. I ran into a telephone pole and had the most bizarre dream._

 _I don't know if I was dead or just missing but whatever it was that happened to me, no one cared that I wasn't around anymore._

 _I should have woken up the instant I saw Bob and Miriam getting along. The only universe that's been known to happen is when Olga ~ is around. Sheesh!_

 _Then Pheebs was easily able to replace me. I shouldn't have been too surprised there. Why would someone enjoy hanging around someone who was just going to treat them like a slave nonstop?_

 _Although I was still unconscious, I was getting a real wake up call. Wandering the empty streets in my dreams, the idea of been hated and unwanted brought as much pain to my heart as I apparently do to other people._

 _There was just one more thing I needed to see to prove how wrong of a direction my actions were leading me in…_

"Arnold?!"

 _I saw my beloved on tv, a huge success! What for? Oh what do_ YOU _think?_

"I'm here with The Great Arnoldini, whose career took off like a rocket after he made Helga disappear."

 _As if that wasn't bad enough, sitting beside him on the show was Ruth ~_

"I would like to announce Ruth and I are getting married!"

 _My mind must have known that was all I could take. Next thing I knew, I was waking up on the ground, realizing what a jerk I had been to all the people I cared about._

"Maybe I should have cared about my father and his birthday. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on Phoebe so often. And Arnold! Poor Arnold! I've mocked and ridiculed him! I must apologize!"

 _You'd think I would have learned my lesson to walk more slowly down the streets after that. Instead, I raced off once again to make amends. Having bought my dad a gift, I returned to the show._

 _I don't know why those lamebrains felt the need to cheer after it took apparently 48 attempts to 'bring me back?' Criminy!_

 _Either way, football head got his magic in for the day._

 _I apologized to Pheebs, and hopefully the flowers I bought her were enough to show how much her friendship means to me. I do a crummy job of showing it, but I would be lost without her. Almost as lost as I would be without someone else…_

"Arnold, I'm sorry I made fun of your magic, and the shape of your, head, and…"

"You already wrecked my last trick!"

"Well I was just going to say…"

"What? I'm listening."

"Well, I was just going to say...That you're a weird headed geek!"

 _Yeah, I blew it...AGAIN! Another opportunity to confess how much my love means to me and my nerves get the best of me._

 _That's okay though. That's what I have Pheebs and her loyal attitude for._


	18. Chapter 18

Entry 18: Arnold's Valentine

 _Love, so tender, so warm, so intense, so….dag blasted complicated!_

 _I was sitting in class listening to Ms. Slovak preach about how special Valentine's Day is. Pttss..How would she know? She's never been with anyone before?_

 _Having watched Arnold put together an oh so impressive piece of artwork for that cheapskate Ruth Mcdugal, I listened to our teacher say she was coming around to pass out letters from our Pen Pals._

 _Why do people even bother with such an activity? I mean criminy! Who said I cared about what anyone was doing on the opposite side of the planet? Especially after the old lady hands me a postcard saying…_

"Please send money!"

 _Oh yeah, couldn't wait to get my hands on that one!_

 _Anyway, I hear football head telling tall hair boy the perfect way to present his masterpiece to Ruth, would be by inviting her to dinner._

 _Fate then spoke to me as I listened to our lonely teacher say lunch was starting._

 _I had an appetite for something new. Rather than helping myself to the last tapioca in the lunch line, I decided to help myself to a bit of Arnold's mail._

 _Apparently his Pen Pal was some fancy French girl named Cecile. A brilliant idea then struck my mind! The perfect way to tell Arnold how I felt, without actually having to do it myself!_

 _I made a few adjustments in Cecile's letter, telling football head to meet her at Chez Paris that night._

 _Little did I know, he had already made plans to present his heartfelt card and feelings to go along with it by inviting Ruth~ to Chez Pierre. Oh brother!_

 _So what happens? Mr. problem solver decides to get tall hair boy to stand watch and observe when the right time to switch tables came._

 _Just picture him running back and forth across the street. Who has to use the bathroom THAT frequently within the same hour? Criminy!_

 _When he first took a look at me, he was stunned, and I'm guessing not just because I looked nothing like his long distance buddy's picture._

 _The so called 'hair parlor' I went to (Ol' Betsy will make an appearance if you ask what it actually was) didn't do exactly what I was expecting them to._

 _Having taken a look at my wild hair style, Arnold held the picture up and said…_

"You don't look much like your picture?"

 _My heart began to pound! What was I going to do if he saw the real me? Honestly, I can't believe he made it through the night without figuring it out. I mean we've known each other since preschool for crying out loud. All I had to do was change my hairstyle to wipe his mind clear of my existence? Wonders never cease._

 _Anyway, after not being able to answer a few simple questions about Cecile's home life, I suggested we talk more about him. I wasn't going to dance around the topic. I insisted on knowing if there was anyone he liked._

 _His idea of answering that question was bringing up my name, just to say everything about me that bugs him? Pttsss...way to charm a lady bucko!_

 _Of course, no conversation can be considered going smoothly without nine or ten interruptions._

 _I watched him race off, not caring to notice it was to Chez Pierre to deliver his imperative Valentine to Ruth~_

 _Instead, I sat there trying to think of the right things to say, and perhaps even summon the strength to tell him the truth._

 _When he made it back to me, I could tell something was troubling him. Although he didn't tell me exactly what was on his mind, he wanted to know if I had ever liked someone, but they didn't turn out to be as I expected?_

 _It was an awkward thing to be asked. I've only liked one person in my life. It's more than like though, it's absolute, head over heels for LOVE! And to top it off, he's all I ever expected and more!_

 _All I could say to him was what I was hoping would someday be true for us. Something that would make him look past my rough exterior and into my soft natured heart…_

"Maybe she wasn't the one for you. Sometimes the most beautiful gift can come in the plainest box."

 _A smile formed on his face as he reached out for my hand. I had almost forgotten we were in the restaurant when our waiter finally made an appearance, I ordered something that was ten syllables long, yet I will never forget the English translation…_

"Cow brains and eggs!"

 _Tell me, what kind of restaurant doesn't have an English version of the menu if they're going to be serving in America?!_

 _Not to mention the guy has the audacity to wait until AFTER I take ten spoonfuls to tell me in plain English what it was. I mean for crying out loud, even HE said most people my age don't appreciate that meal? Sheesh!_

 _After spending a good chunk of the night in the restroom, I returned to the table with my hair completely unstyled (yet looking the best it had all day), only to find Arnold wasn't there._

 _I went outside to see his actual Pen Pal aka the real Cecile._

 _The poor football head stood there clueless while I tried thinking of an explanation. I gotta say, Geraldo came in handy after all. Taking the lonely French girl off Arnold's hands so he and I could work things out._

 _By work things out I mean him watching me chicken out on revealing my feelings once again._

"There's still one thing I don't understand. Who are you?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"I just can't okay?"

 _His desperation to see me again made the night all the more sweeter however. As he kissed my hand, I walked away, not caring he still had one of my shoes. It was as if we mutually implied for it to be a memento of that special night._

 _After returning home and spending the night on and off in the bathroom, vomiting the remainder of the terrible meal, I'm wondering if he'll ever figure out it was me?_

 _Oh Arnold, one day I'll find the strength to reveal to you my true feelings as myself. Not some fake French girl with an absurd hairstyle, but as me...Helga G. Pataki!_


	19. Chapter 19

Entry 19: Save The Tree

 _Love or money? A dilemma I'm constantly faced with._

 _My class has their little get together spots in the neighborhood. Places to not only hang out, but avoid our irksome families from time to time._

 _Gerald field, the park, the pier, and this tree as old as Ms. Slovak...Mighty Pete._

 _The class enjoyed spending their free time in what I have to admit wasn't such a bad looking treehouse they had all put together._

 _One day, everyone up there couldn't help but overhear someone speaking about the removal of the tree and future construction work being done on the premises._

"That tree is going down!"

 _The group then came down to read demolition was being done that Friday. Of course, my beloved was ready to take action._

"We've got to do something you guys!"

 _Pttss...sure we've_ GOT _to do something. That doesn't mean we_ CAN, _bucko!_

 _After watching the group bail on Arnold, I show my face to catch a glimpse at what the commotion was all about._

 _Taking a look at the sign that announced the upcoming tragedy, I took a look to read the name of the careless fiends behind these scheme. Who was it? Pttss...who else?_

"Big Bob's Beepers?"

 _I raced home to see Bob happily sitting in front of the tv, not caring about the inconveniences his business plans may be leading to._

"Dad! Is it true?"

"No, it's just a bunch of made up nonsense."

"No DAD. I mean the tree! Are you really going to tear it down?"

"Oh absolutely!"

 _My insisting on how much that spot meant to us all in no way mattered to the workaholic. My heartfelt pleas for him to reconsider were outweighed by his business decisions._

 _Yeah the thought of being rich, famous, and having everything Princess is always bragging about, minus the attitude, would be a dream come true. What good would any of that do me though, if it meant hurting the one thing I truly care about…_

 _Having felt there was nothing I could do to stop him, I reluctantly took Bob's side. Hey, what could I do? Like the rest of Arnoldo's friends had said 'We're only kids.'_

 _Well, that didn't stop the football head from trying every trick in the protestor's book to put a damper on Bob's plan._

 _From posters, to fliers, to parading around in my front yard dressed like a goofy impression of the one hundred year old plant._

 _I listened to them bark out ridiculous rhymes they believed would actually change the mind of a selfish businessman like Bob, until finally…_

"That's it! I'm turning on the hose!"

 _Watching that arrogant man turn his hose on my beloved down was like feeling someone take a knife to my heart. Something dear to Arnold was about to be taken away from him, and my siding with Bob didn't make me feel any better than it made me look._

 _The night before the tree was to come down at last came and no one was able to sleep. I heard Bob anxiously leaving the house as midnight approached. The man must have his own private stash of coffee hidden somewhere, after seeing the way Miriam goes through it! Criminy!_

 _Having made up my mind on who I would side with, I raced to the tree to see Bob already on a tractor with whoever the heck that guy is he's always doing business deals with. Yet, they never work out for him? What kind of go to guy is he?_

 _Seeing I wasn't too late, I raced past the salesman, seeing my love climbing the perennial plant, as I screamed…_

"Arnold wait!"

"Helga? I thought you were siding with your dad on this one?"

"Uhhh no. It's not like I'm siding with you or anything. It's just that my dad's been bugging me lately."

 _I climbed the tree, watching a look form on Bob's face that implied I had just betrayed him. Glad I could give him a taste of his own medicine!_

 _He did prove to me however a bit of good parenting skills exist inside that thick business like skull of his._

 _As the group looked for things to throw in the tractor's path, I watched Bob struggle to stop it himself, after whoever that guy he was with decided to take down not only the tree, but whoever was in it. Again, what kind of partner was he?_

 _I watched my friends grab whatever they could find until the only thing remaining was a useless cup._

"If I hit the lever, I think I can stop it!" _said my optimistic beloved._

 _Of course, his hopeful thinking was no match for the laws of physics._

 _I watched the useless cup fly by the lever of the moving tractor, as I mocked my beloved for trying._

"If I hit the lever, I think I can stop it! Oh brother!"

 _The class took that as their que that the tree wasn't worth actually risking their lives for and began to head for the exit. That is, until someone as crazy as Bob is arrogant suddenly showed up._

 _The group turned their heads to see football head's lunatic grandmother pretending to be Tarzan. As crazy as she is, her plan to steal the tractor by playing the role of a pathetic cartoon character worked._

 _After watching the crazy old loon take off with Bob's business associate's cherished piece of equipment, my friends and I climbed down from the tree._

"You okay Olga?"

"It's Helga dad. Helga!"

 _Yeah, we're still working on that. I suppose I should just be grateful he was more concerned about me than his business spot._

 _The bump Bob had gotten on his head during his fight with his partner must have knocked some real sense into him. As we stood there under the tree, he turned to Arnold and said_

"This tree deserves to live, I won't tear it down."

 _So, love or money? Although I chose love, as I always do, in the end it didn't seem to matter. Bob's plan failed and football head proved once again there's always hope for something… no matter how crazy the solution may be._


	20. Chapter 20

Entry 20: Helga's Love Potion

 _What is an obsession? Something you're passionate about, something you can't live without, or perhaps someone…_

 _I woke up one morning, ready to greet my weekly shrine on Arnold. As I gazed at the beautiful figure, imagining I'd one day be sharing my feelings with the actual person, I began reciting my feelings aloud…_

"May today be the day you seeist me as I seeist you, oh flaxen haired angel!"

 _So what if I start each morning reciting poetry to a stack of fruit or a wad of used gum? My passion has to be released onto something! Doi!_

 _Having done son, I got dressed and ready for school, not bothering to humor myself by checking my usually empty lunchbox._

 _Once I made it to school, I knew I once again had the opportunity to start fresh with Arnold. Start a clean slate; no pranks or evil tricks. Just show him my true, kind, passionate side._

 _Did I do it? Pttss...does Miriam remember to pack my lunch?_

 _Finishing up my drink at the fountain, I put on the kind 'act' by offering to let Arnold take his turn. Was it a nice gesture? Only if you consider spraying someone in the face to be on the list of polite traits at this town's polishing academy._

 _Having watched Geraldo point out how often I do this to him, I began sulking to myself around the corner, not understanding how I could be so terrible to someone who meant so much to me?_

 _Am I really that big of a coward?_

 _Sitting in class, doing my best to forget the tragic event, Simmons once again decides to read my poetry assignment out loud to the class. I don't care if he doesn't say my name out loud. Does that fact that I wrote anonymous on the paper not imply I don't want anyone to hear it at all?!_

 _Of course one of my idiot classmates has to draw attention to the fact that I'm pretending I don't exist…_

"Gosh Helga. Your crouching down in your seat like it was your poem or something?"

 _What an idiot!_

 _It's as shocking as it is relieving to me that Arnold hasn't figured out my secret. I guess the worse I act, the harder it would be for him to believe it. Sadly, my actions didn't exactly soften up as the day continued on…_

"There goes the last of the tapioca."

 _I listened to my beloved sigh. It was as though he had been looking forward to the sweet dessert all day that so suddenly slipped out of his grasp. I looked down in my hands, knowing what the right thing to do was._

"You really want this Arnold?"

"Well yeah if you don't want it?"

"Then...why...don't you have mine?"

 _It would have been the perfect way to make up for spraying him at the fountain, had I only had the courage to follow through on it._

 _Holding out the dessert, I let it slip and watched it spill all over his sweater. To top off the fact I had once again failed to make ammends with the boy of my dreams, I mocked him and said…_

"Whoops! How clumsy of you!"

 _Normally Arnold overlooks things. I could see how upset that unkind gesture had made him however. Almost as upset as it made me. I stormed in the opposite direction, trying to find the answer as to why I had to act this way. Why I'm never able to show my kinder, gentler side._

"I've gotta talk to someone about this… so Pheebs, got a minute?"

"Certainly Helga."

"Well not that it's any big deal. Let's just say I'm obsessed with this thing, let's call it ice cream."

 _Being the intelligent person she is, Pheebs suggested I forget about 'ice cream.'_

FORGET ABOUT ICE CREAM?!

 _How was that even possible? I took her advice, not knowing how I could make it work, and as predicted, wasn't able to forget about my obsession._

 _The frustration was overbearing. There he was in the sky, the water, every place imaginable!_

 _I was going to give up hope when I read…_

"Madam Blanch's Love Potions?"

 _How a store could sell something to influence one's emotions was beyond me, but I was desperate!_

 _After walking in, telling the strange woman I was sick of my love life, I failed to realize she was charging me ten bucks for a one dollar soda! What a cheap trick!_

 _I was too relieved to ask questions however. Just knowing I would no longer be spending the day pining over the idea of being cursed with unrequited love sounded remarkable!_

 _That night I followed the 'love mastermind's' instructions and drank the potion after exposing of all my loving possessions._

"My Arnold shrine, my poetry books volumes 1 through 14, and finally my locket!"

 _I'm assuming there was some z-quil mixed in with that grape pop because I past out quicker than Miriam does after her smoothies._

 _After having this insane dream about my love life melting away, I woke up feeling as though I had been hit by a truck. Sleeping on top of that metal bottle probably didn't help much._

 _My headache didn't seem important to me however when I remembered what I hoped to feel that morning...nothing._

"The potion! I gotta see if it worked! I gotta give myself a test!"

 _It's amazing what kinds of things can get inside your head. Knowing I didn't want to love him anymore, I decided everything I had written was crap._

 _This decision lead to one huge dominoe effect. Me behaving well in school, minding my own business at the drinking fountain, and worst of all...being nice to Arnold._

 _Yeah, I know what you're thinking. How can I say being nice to him was the worst thing ever when that's all I've been wanting to happen?_

 _Well let me ask you something? When you're nice to someone, do you do it because it's the right thing, or because it makes you happy knowing you've made them happy?_

 _I know fifty percent of you chose the first option, which means you possess no passion._

 _All day I was nice to Arnold, because I couldn't care less about the outcomes of my actions._

 _I left school seeing everything I had once admired in the sky, the water, all around me...was gone. My life felt meaningless._

 _Pheebs came to find me sulking at the bridge._

"How are things proceeding?"

"I'm not high; not low. I'm empty of feelings….that's it Phoebe. I'm empty! Something's missing!"

"You mean ice cream; your obsession."

"You're right Phoebe! Maybe I need ice cream to love, to hate, to inspire me!"

 _I had never realized before how big a part he played in my life. Yes I was clearly obsessed with him DOI!_

 _It was more than that though. The passion I showed through my work, the anger I expressed at school, the hope I felt in the morning...it was all because of him, Arnold, my beloved._

 _I had to fix things. You can just imagine how 'passionate' I was to find out that woman sold me some over-priced grape pop!_

 _My anger quickly disappeared when I realized there was nothing keeping me from experiencing the love I had always felt for Arnold...which was worth much more than ten dollars._

 _After happily prancing down the street I once again bumped into him. Yeah, given the chance to once again tell him how I truely felt for him._

 _I expressed my emotions, just not my loving ones…_

"Watch where you're going football head!"

 _I can honestly say, that was the best I had felt all day._


	21. Chapter 21

Entry 21: The Big Scoop

 _When you read, do you do it because you're looking to be entertained or just because you need a quick recap of something?_

 _The school seems to feel an important factor in grade school development is notifying everyone about the events roaming the halls every day. Just one problem...they're duller than afternoon tea with my granny! I mean, who in the right mind would care to read about today's weather when there's been a little invention called the weather_ _ **channel**_ _?_

 _Every week, I have to listen to football head ask…_

"Did you check your sources Helga?"

 _Does it really matter if it's a fact anyway? Unless you're willing to stretch the truth, ya know, juice it up a bit, then who cares where it came from?_

 _Well let me tell you bucko, football head's not the only one who seems to favor facts over fun._

"Now how do you explain this Arnold? Leftover meatloaf served?"

 _Wartz's dramatic outburst about my opinion on the same meal being served all week didn't sit too well with Arnold. Hey, she said to me every day 'Same old, same old.' How could someone NOT think they were having leftovers served to them?_

 _Between Wartz telling us off and Arnold questioning my sources, I decided I'd had enough of that sorry excuse for an entertainment crew. I'm a writer for crying out loud! I know what pleases people! I wasn't going to stick around and have my work insulted. All I needed was a little help._

"Staff"

"Listening"

"You provide the papers, and I'll provide the stories."

 _Look up the word reliable in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of Pheebs. Whether she found enough truth to be in my paper or not, she didn't disagree with my plan._

 _Although I didn't appreciate having my work criticized at 'The Weekly Word', I will admit another of Arnold's admirable qualities is the firm hold he has on his beliefs._

 _Even after making his and Geraldo's paper look like a joke with my new 'Pataki Press' article (filled with juicy stories), he didn't give into the idea of stretching the truth. Wonders never cease with that kid._

 _I felt I was on top of the world. I was charging a nickel per paper and the kids were reaching for them like it was the last of the tapioca. It made me feel as though the poor saps would fall for anything. The crazy look in their eyes when they reached for it was more than enough to imply it didn't matter what I wrote. It just needed to be good!_

 _Well I will admit one thing as far as football head's 'source plan' goes; it is helpful to have something that provides you with information. No, I don't mean boring facts. Just something to create an idea from, and man did I get one!_

"Walls are going down!"

 _The moment I heard those words leave Wartz, I turned to my coworker and told her the amazing story idea I had. An amusement park taking the place of the school! Who wouldn't want to read about that?_

 _Well a certain someone stole my story...in a much more honest way. Criminy!_

"Didn't you hear me? An amusement park is going up right here!"

"That's not what this says?"

"Give me that! Wartz says I'm a liar?"

 _Fine, maybe I jumped to conclusions. I was just giving them what all readers want...entertainment!_

 _I guess facts are imperative due to the gullibility (dare I say stupidity) of half this city._

 _Well, it was back to the not so funny pages for me. Within the next week I was printing football head's weather report. Although my beloved was sweet enough to readmit me into his crew, I had to slip in a few amusing details…_

"Today's sunny and 70 degrees. Tomorrow cloudy in the morning with an increase of winds...AND THEN...A METEOR WILL BLOCK OUT THE SUN! CASTING THE EARTH INTO ETERNAL NIGHT! HEAVY SLEET AND HAIL WILL POUR DOWN UPON US...AND ALL WILL BE DOOMED!

 _Hey, I was just trying to juice it up?_


	22. Chapter 22

Entry 22: The Longest Monday

 _I can't help but feel it was pointless of me to shower this morning._

 _Rather than spending the morning listening to Princess go on about her latest fashion discoveries, or Pink boy interrupting Simmons' lectures with his constant need for a snack, the class sat quietly minding their own business for a change._

 _When lunch finally did come, it didn't seem to put a damper on our desire to play the quiet game. That is, until football head decides to put his 'problem solving skills' to the test._

"Well it's here. The question is, what are we going to do about it?"

 _Of course, there was still one dork who wasn't aware of his dignity being on the verge of distinction._

"What's Here?"

"Come on Eugene! Today is trash can day! Don't you know about trash can day?!"

 _Well Geraldo took care of 'Mr. Been hiding_ UNDER _a trash can's' cluelessness. I won't pretend I listen to that made up nonsense he spits out on occasion just to look like Mr. Big Shot. I'll just dumb it down for you. If you're a fifth grader, you have the amazing privilege of dunking a fourth grader into the garbage on the first Monday in June._

 _Why don't those moronic teachers care to do anything about it? Umm...because they're morons, DOI!_

 _Well, Arnoldo insisted we didn't have to worry about it…_

"All for one and one for all!"

 _Uhh...reach for the stars pal._

 _After listening to football head's amazing plan to make it EIGHT FREAKING BLOCKS to the flower shop without being shoved into a pile of waste, everyone pretended to have their minds put at ease. Pttsss...the flower shop? It's directly across the street from the boarding house. Why not just say…_

"Hey, would you guys like to come to my house? We'll probably get thrown into the garbage along the way, but you're all invited."

 _I couldn't help but notice as we all sat there eyeing the clock, Simmons was as well. What a cheapskate. He knew what we were in store for. Yet, Mr. Special found the key to sensitivity would be to simply give into those nightmarish fifth graders' hostility. Teacher of the year, am I right?_

 _We all made our way slowly into the hall, thinking we had a snowball's chance of avoiding our ill fated afternoon. When those jerks approached us, Pinkboy shouted what we had all been thinking…_

"Every man for himself!"

 _Sorry Arnoldo, but no one was going to say to Wolfgang and his team…_

"Please! Dunk me instead!"

 _After watching half my classmates be shoved into the remainders of the past week's lunches, I raced off to Park's so called hide away at the city dump. Kind of an awkward place to avoid being thrown in the garbage. Plus, it smelled worse than the meatloaf in the cafeteria!_

 _I made it there to see geek bait getting a major sponge bath; thinking he had a prayer's chance of smelling normal again any time soon._

 _Apparently my reward for having a 'safe spot' was listening to Pink boy spill his guts about being slammed into a waste basket._

"It was horrible! They picked me up and then they jammed me in the trash can!"

"Aww get over it you big wuss!"

 _Hey, can you blame me? We all spent the day running away from those creeps, but you didn't hear me complaining._

 _Moments later, I saw football head and tall hair boy arriving. Despite how absurd his plans may sound, my love always finds a way out of messy situations._

 _Some safe house it turned out to be though. I watched a swarm of fifth graders break in when Arnold had just gotten comfortable; thinking he no longer had to face the terrible fate of being reduced to a pile of waste._

 _Park doesn't seem to realize those guys have, oh what's the word…_ MUSCLES!

"Hey, how'd they get in here?"

 _No one was going to stick around after seeing them break in. Apparently, they only cared about getting their grubby paws on football head and tall hair boy. Although I didn't stick around the moment they broke in, that didn't stop me from worrying about my beloved the whole race home._

 _I can only pray he made it back to the boarding house with whoever else was lucky enough to avoid that gang of waste feeding mongrels._

 _I'm sorry to say my overwhelming concern for him, didn't stop me from racing towards the shower once I made it home. I may not have actually gotten jammed, but I still smell like a moldy burrito._


	23. Chapter 23

Entry 23: Big Caesar

 _This city has a lot of problems, and I don't just mean the people who live in it._

 _I was walking down the street to get to Pheebs' one day when I read a sign on the window of the Wang's Bait and Tackle._

"Fishing contest this Saturday. Celebrating the clean up of City Lake."

 _It needed it; that place is a dump! I didn't care about that however. I just wanted to get my hands on the trophy!_

 _After telling Pheebs about it, she and I spent the week buying our poles, tackle box and all that other necessary junk fishermen use._

 _On our way out of the store, we saw practically the only two people in two who hadn't heard about the contest…_

"Well, well, well...if it isn't football head and tall hairboy."

"Oh hey Helga."

"What's with all the fishing gear?"

"What are you blind? There's a contest Saturday. Read the sign Doi!"

 _Normally, I'm the one who thinks logically, but football head had to point out there was a slim chance of any fish surviving in that polluted area._

 _Well, that didn't stop me from insisting I was going to enter and catch the biggest one out there!_

 _Of course, that was Geraldo's que to bring up another of his oh so impressive myths…_

"Big Caesar!"

 _Yeah, like I was supposed to believe there was a ten foot long, spike covered creature swarming the lake...that no one had seen since dinosaurs were roaming the earth!_

 _That was when football head's optimism kicked in and insisted he and Geraldo could not only find, but CATCH the freaky fish!_

 _Although I didn't believe a word of tall hair boy's story (let alone their chances of catching the stupid fish), it was no surprise to me they showed up at the contest._

 _My love never ceases to amaze me with that 'dream big' attitude of his. I live in a much more realistic world, but that's just one of the many things I find to be so irresistible about him. In this hopeless, boring world, here lies someone who isn't afraid to think beyond reality (let alone look like a fool while doing it)._

 _He proved my point when he and Geraldo were left with the only option of fishing in a lovebird pedal boat. Yeah, I made fun of him, but even my harsh criticism wasn't enough to make him give into how unlikely it was they'd ever catch that crazy thing (let alone see it)._

 _After watching them pedal away, my mind was set on winning first place. I sat there with Pheebs, waiting for a realistically bit fish that would make Arnoldo's story look like a joke._

 _Sure enough, I saw one. Only problem was...it wasn't mine! Psychic Stinky or should I say Psycho, reeled one in._

 _Hours later, Pheebs and I stood on stage, being shown up by him and Pink boy._

"Stinky's a moron. It was dumb luck."

 _My attitude was taken off the contest however when I saw my love returning empty handed, but with a smile on his face. I was happy to mock him and point out how obvious it was I was right. Yet, a part of me can't help but wonder what actually happened out there. With that dream big attitude of his, has come a handful of miracles._


	24. Chapter 24

Entry 24: Monkey Business

 _If you're smart enough to be a scientist, why would you waste your time 'making up' diseases?_

 _I sat in class, not caring to take an interest in Simmons' 'fascinating' lectures on the absurd connections that may exist between people and animals. Like I was supposed to believe someone with freakishly large ears was an actual rabbit. Does that mean Stinko's enormous nose makes him an elephant?_

 _What was saId to be the most ridiculous (the one thing I agreed with him on), was Monkey Nucleosis. Touching a monkey actually turning you into one. Pttss...oh brother._

 _After at last being released from the unbearable lecture, I headed for home. On my way there, I past the park to see some weirdo thinking he could earn a few extra dollars by performing with an unleashed monkey._

 _I guess now I know not to take that route. Sheesh!_

 _You'd think I would have just walked away after realizing the performance wasn't worth a nickel. Instead, I stood there only to have my arm slobbered all over by the disease ridden pet._

"Eww! He slobbered all over me!"

"I'm so sorry little girl! My monkey is very emotional!"

"Yeah, well you ought to keep that thing on a leash!"

 _I spent the afternoon reading comics in my room, only to notice my arm becoming red and puffy where the filthy animal had welcomed itself to laying its hairy lips._

 _Then of course, Simmons' bizarre lecture just had to find it's way into my head._

"A mere scratch or touch from a monkey could cause the victim to contract the dreaded disease."

 _I wasn't going to allow myself to believe it. That is, until I picked up a banana. Eyeing myself in the mirror with the willingly wanted baboon treat was beginning to form second thoughts in my mind._

"Gee, maybe I better check this thing out."

 _Did I do the sensible thing and see a professional doctor? Pttss...of course not._

 _I rummaged through every freakin' book in the library until at last I came across a scientific book on rare diseases._

"Itching and puffiness, sweaty palms, loss of appetite, irritibility, expiration."

 _Yeah, I may have been jumping to conclusions. Hey, can you blame me? One by one I was experiencing everything the book said. Like I was supposed to believe it was some sort of extreme coincidence?! Apparently I was…_

 _After jumping on Pheebs for asking about our math assignment, I decided to prepare myself for the worst…_

"Phoebe, as my best friend in the world. There's something I need you to do for me."

 _They should replace irritability with moping in that symptom list of theirs. I laid in my room calling my friends in one by one to give away my things. Pheebs was a bit skeptical on the matter, being the intelligent person that she is._

"Could you return this book to the library for me? Maybe it'll help some other poor kid, even if it's too late for me."

 _Arnold was the last one I called in. Nothing was going to stop me from revealing my deepest, darkest secret to him. Dare I say, I was almost grateful for the tragedy that was taking place that morning. I would at last be setting myself free of the torment from all the repressed emotional feelings I had built up over the years._

 _As he sat there before me, annoyingly waiting for me to get to the point of my bringing up our past indifferences, the moment was ruined when I turned to hear…_

"Helga! I know what's going on and you've got everything all wrong!"

 _While Arnold sat there clueless on the matter, I was filled with relief knowing everything was no more than a coincidence. It truly is amazing what the human mind can do to a person in their most vulnerable state._

 _After seeing me jump for joy, Arnold still insisted on knowing what I was on the verge of revealing to him. I couldn't give it away! I had made myself look crazy enough by assuming I was on my deathbed from contact with a monkey! What chances would I have of him wanting to be with me after that?_

"Nothing, I was delirious. What would I have to say to a football head like you anyway?"

 _Again, I was blowing it. Maybe I couldn't tell him the truth, but I could at least sympathize (dare I say empathize) with him. After all, I'm not exactly oblivious to how I make him feel when I act that way. I know how much it hurts him. Almost as much as it hurts me._

"Arnold wait."

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to tell you, I think you're okay. That you're an okay guy, and I just think you're okay."

 _A smile formed on his face that began to warm my heart. It's amazing how the smallest bit of kindness can satisfy him._

"Thanks Helga, you're okay too."

 _I don't know what made me happier? The sensation that went through me the moment he touched my arm, or just hearing those words release from his lips. Oh Arnold, one day I'll summon the strength to reveal these thoughts and feelings to you!_


	25. Chapter 25

Entry 25: Ms. Perfect

 _Same old, same old. Same old boring lectures, Pheebs being the only one interested in them, and the day taking forever to end. I sat there wondering when something new would ever happen around there. Be care what you wish for, bucko!_

 _Simmons opened the door to show us what we all soon found to be a flawless student. AKA Little Miss Perfect._

 _Every morning would start with her oh so impressive funny farm jokes all the guys found to be a real barrel of laughs. Oh brother._

 _Pheebs then discovered she wasn't the only one who paid attention in class when Simmons gave a pop quiz in history. She doesn't show her jealous side too often, but Miss Perfect's quick answer didn't exactly give her the urge to start a round of applause. Oh by the way, her name is Lila. Lila ~_

 _One by one, she was beginning to show she was better than us. Princess was her next victim, as she showed up the next day in the same (what I considered to be dorky) ensemble as Princess. Only difference was, Miss Perfect had sewed hers herself. She wasn't made of money like Princess._

 _Being the new girl that she was, I decided to take her under my wing. I told her what to avoid in the lunch line while moving through it with her. Did she listen? Pttss...does anyone ever?_

"Stay away from the meat sauce."

"Oh I'm sure it's delicious!"

' _I'm sure it's delicious!' Who was she trying to impress? Whoever it was, she earned the rights to an extra dessert any time she wanted._

 _We were beginning to lose our patience with her. Yeah, it was something new, I'll give you that. We weren't asking for something to make school worse than it was to begin with! Criminy!_

 _It was time to take matters into our own hands. What better way than by dumping twenty pounds of kiwi jello into her locker?_

 _Well, a better question may be is 'Why did I bother to reveal it was ME who did it, after I saw her locker had been re-assigned?'_

 _Big Patty apparently had taken the place of it's ownership. Did I go about my business as if I didn't know anything about it? Ummm...Would I have been dragged into the broom closet after confronting her if I had?_

 _Apparently, being beaten to the point of wearing a neck brace wasn't enough to stop me from getting revenge on Little Miss Perfect. The girls and I decided another great way to mess with her would be to mess with her lunch._

"A bologna sandwich, farm fresh milk, and a Macintosh apple."

 _Let's see, how could we make a few adjustments here? Oh perhaps rubber meat, pickle juice and wax fruit. Ya know, nothing too evil._

 _How did it end up? Not with her hurling her brains out in the restroom that's for sure._

 _Like it wasn't bad enough she was having lunch with the school yard bully, she just HAD to suggest trading with her. Who has to be that nice?_

 _Then again, who has to be as stupid as I am? After seeing Patty about to dig into the fake meal, I just had to be the hero, yet again._

"Wait! Don't eat that!"

"Why not?"

"Because...because it's rubber bologna, pickle juice and wax fruit."

 _After being dragged into the closet again, I decided we were being too nice. Forget hurting her, it was time to publicly humiliate her!_

"Why don't you have a seat here Lila?"

"Why thank you just ever so much?"

 _Yeah, the girls and I may have gone a bit overboard. We dumped a massive pile of leftover lunch food, only to watch her storm out of the cafeteria in tears._

 _It felt good to be on top of things again. That is, until we found out what her home life was really like. She and her dad are about as poor as Princess is wealthy. Seeing her in that sorry state of affairs after visiting her the next day was more than my heart could handle._

 _Hey, I'm not THAT heartless!_

 _Yeah I act tough, but it's all a cover. Be it with Arnold or the rest of the kids. I can't let people get wise to how weak I am on the inside. There are times when I take my self defense mechanisms too far however, and that was obviously one of them._

"So what we came to say is, sorry Lila."

"We didn't mean to hurt you."

"Well actually we did, but afterwards we felt really bad about it."

"Our actions were petty."

"So if you could find it in your heart to forgive us, maybe we could start over and be friends."

 _Ms. Perfect seems to forgive as easily as she impresses people. Before we knew it, we were hugging each other and she was back at school telling her funny farm jokes. Is it annoying? Of course! It's still a nice feeling knowing we did the right thing however. Football head maybe rubbing off on me after all._


	26. Chapter 26

Entry 26: Phoebe Cheats

 _I find it a bit fishy for someone with no interest in a certain activity to be better than anyone else at it._

 _Mr. Special was announcing that not only were we assigned another poem, but the author of the best poem would be awarded a statue of a famous poet._

 _After hearing Pheebs was falling behind in being number one, as far as winning contests in the class went, she decided to give it all she had to win that. By give it all she had, I mean find the best book of poems already written._

 _I went home that night as frustrated with myself as I was disappointed for not being able to think of something to write about. Words flow naturally from me. I'm all about expressing myself with my purple pen and a few blank sheets of paper. What was blocking my train of thought?_

 _I fell against my bed as a pile of papers fell across my face. As I opened my eyes, I was reminded of the inspiration behind my work. The reason I have for even possessing a passionate side. Yeah, I've always been sensitive. There's a reason my feelings are taken to an ardent level however._

 _A loving smile formed on my face as I looked to see my beloved's picture had fallen onto me. The tender feelings I have for him began flowing so smoothly from my lips_

Cowlicks, like fields of yellow corn.

All the days of my week, I write the name I dare not speak.

The boy with the corn flowered hair.

My beloved, and my despair

 _Of course, I could never let anyone other than Simmons know who wrote it. Thank goodness for that!_

 _The next day, after he read one Pheebs had apparently copied out of a book, he decided mine just HAD to be read aloud. Ummm….if it was that good, where's my trophy?_

 _Pheebs accepted her award, but apparently things didn't sit right with her. When Wartz told Simmons about needing a way to entertain everyone at an assembly being thrown that week, what do you think Simmons way of gaining the crowds interest would be?_

"You could start by reading a poem!"

 _No need to ask permission from the author first Mr. Special! Pttss...what a nutjob._

 _I found it suspicious enough that Pheebs had written such a great poem, when she's never said a word about enjoying the activity (let alone seen one from her)._

 _My skepticism must not have been too absurd when I heard her reading MY poem at the assembly. I don't care if I signed it anonymous. That should have been enough to imply I didn't like the idea of having it read allowed AT ALL! Sheesh!_

 _Had I not fainted (and been sitting three rows behind him), maybe I would have seen the smile on Arnold's face during the reading of it. Perhaps it would have encouraged me to say something to him; tell him those words can't even come close to comparing how much I love and care for him._

 _Nah...I may be brave, but I'm not crazy._


	27. Chapter 27

Entry 27: Quantity Time

 _Whoever came up with the phrase 'quality time' needs a serious reality check on today's families._

 _I was leaving school Friday, and starting my spring break. The fact that I'd be trapped in the house with Miriam's slobbering self all day didn't bother me, because the week would be ending with Wrestlemania! Tickets had been sold out for months, but I knew I'd find a way to be there…_

"What do you mean you hate wrestling? You and I are going Phoebe! We have got to get tickets to Slam Jam V!"

"But Helga!"

"I don't care if you have to stand in line all day! Just call me when you get 'em."

 _Yeah, I was a little harsh. I guess it's just the fact that I have such a reliable friend that makes it hard to realizing I may be taking advantage of her at times. She's not the type to stand up for herself like me._

 _After fantasizing about sitting in the crowd, watching my favorite athletes pound one another into dust, I went downstairs for dinner._

 _I can't name three things Bob and I have in common, except being ready to dig in at dinner. Our anxious appetites don't exactly pleasure Miriam. I don't know what the heck she's complaining about? We don't exactly approve of the way she claims the counter with her smoothie addiction. Pttss...pathetic!_

 _Pretending to be mother of the year by starting a conversation, she asks how school had been going for me. What did they care? Especially Bob, when he can never remember my name._

"As a matter of fact, I flunked a math test today."

 _Once again proving his lack of concern for my life and everything in it, Bob's response was…_

"That's good, glad to hear it."

 _I didn't let his usual uninterest in my life get to me. I simply thought out loud to myself I had the next week off to enjoy. While it relieved my mind, it lit some crazy spark inside of Miriam's. One that didn't exactly got out when Bob revealed he'd be taking the next week off._

 _All she had to do was spend the week past out at random areas around the house after enjoying her special drinks to avoid the mishap. What was her plan of action?_

"I'm going away for the week to visit my mother. She is not well."

"AND YOU'RE GONNA TAKE CARE OF HER?!"

 _Not that I get along with either of my parents, but seeing her walk out the door meant there would be no one to deal with Bob's rantings. I didn't want to have to listen to him (let alone deal with him)._

 _Did she listen to our sorry please to stay behind? Pttss...do my parents EVER listen to me?_

 _Not even two minutes after she bailed on us, I decided I was leaving the house. I can't even look at Bob without having to worry about hearing about his precious beeper empire._

 _Oddly enough, the moment I walked out, he showed a speck of concern._

"Where are you going? When will you be back? Be careful crossing streets!"

 _His concern ALMOST had me fooled. Sure enough, two days had gone by and neither of us had gotten a decent meal in. I'm nine years old for crying out loud and he actually expected me to do the cooking and shopping?_

 _The beeper king then decided what better way to share some 'quantity time' together, than by grocery shopping...only for things he would consider eating._

 _I mean, the guy tried to kill me with strawberries! Who doesn't know what their kids can and can't have for crying out loud?_

 _After that wonderful trip, I tried talking some sense into Miriam._

"This is really not working out Miriam! When are you coming home?"

 _Of course she doesn't think it could be that bad. What does she know? She's the one who ran away!_

"Well for one thing dad's already tried to kill me with strawberries. What kind of a moron is he?"

 _Bob then walks into the kitchen trying to defend himself by calling me high strung and insisting we'd spend all day together. Fat chance I'd agee the that!_

 _Well I didn't agree to, I was forced to. The arrogant jerk decides to interrupt my baseball practice by dragging me to watch him get his haircut, shop for some fancy belts, and assume I'd enjoy a visit the hardware store._

 _I'm a nine year old girl! What made him think I would care about ANY of that? Just because I had the guts to point it out to him, he had the nerve to accuse me of over-reacting. His impressive solution to it was taking me to ride some lame pony at the park._

 _As if things couldn't get any worse….ARNOLD SAW ME!_

 _Can you imagine the humiliation I felt when the boy of my dreams saw me participating in an activity meant for a five year old?!_

 _So what happens? I fall into the mud, losing whatever shred of dignity I still possessed._

 _At least it was enough to send Bob the message that I really did have no desire to spend time with him whatsoever. If he wasn't willing to take an interest in my life, why should I have been willing to open up to him? He had never done anything to imply he cared about what made me happy. Why should I have cared to spend what little time I had left of my break with him?_

 _After slamming the door in his face, I called to get an update on how Pheebs did with the tickets._

"I couldn't get the tickets."

"AHHHHH! What a rotten week! First Miriam bails on me 'cause she can't take it. Then my lame dad forces me to spend the day with him so that he can pretend we're bonding!"

"I'm terribly sorry Helga!"

"And now...I can't even get tickets to the one thing I've been dying to see!"

 _There's nothing worse than finding it was pointless to get your hopes up about something. It just makes you feel like a loser for ever believing there was a chance things would work out the way you wanted them to._

 _I got into bed that night, anxious for the weekend to be over and done with. School hadn't seemed like a bad idea for quite a few days. Hearing I wouldn't be going to Wrestlemania was the icing on the cake. The only good thing I had to look forward to the rest of my break was sleeping in...or so I thought._

 _I felt myself being vigorously nudged early the next morning, where I awoke to see Bob standing with a guilty look on his face._

"I've been thinking about the last few days and I want to make it up to you. What do you say? Give Big Bob one more chance?"

"Oh brother."

"Come on Helga, please?"

"Oh alright. One more chance."

 _I could just picture what he had in store for us. Tickets to a movie meant for a three year old._

 _Well, he had tickets…_

"I got the tickets you wanted Helga."

"You got tickets to…"

 _No, not to the event of the season. More like the nightmare before Christmas._

 _He and I pulled up at what appeared to be Wrestlemania, but was right next to some pathetic musical about Rats. That's the last time I sleep with a magazine clipping._

 _I couldn't tell him how off base he was after trying to be nice...as disappointed as I was. He and I both sat there watching the stupidest show I had ever seen in my life! The only good thing that came out of it was finding out he hated it as much as I did. I suppose that was enough to make up for the crappy week._

 _The purpose (Miriam's purpose) was for us to find something we have in common. We were laughing about it the whole way home._


	28. Chapter 28

Entry 28: Helga's Boyfriend

 _When a kid picks up a toy you had no intention of touching, and it suddenly strikes your interests, do you become jealous?_

 _If you're anything like football head, that would be a no._

 _I was sitting in the theater one Saturday afternoon when I was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea. Seeing some lame actress try to steal the affections of an actor in the movie by kissing another man made me glance down at my beloved and think…_

"Jealous. I need someone to make Arnold jealous. But who's the perfect sap?"

 _Was he a sap, yes. Perfect for the job, pttss...yeah right. Yeah, I'll blame myself for thinking Stinky ever had a chance of helping me win over Arnold's affections. It's not like any of the guys in the class were worth going out with though!_

 _I had him doing all sorts of loving gestures for me; pulling out my chair, handing me a kleenex, calling me cute nicknames…_

 _Of course, not of it was going to impress someone who had no interest in me to begin with. I wasn't going to give up. I had never let my failed attempts to win Arnold over stop me before. Why give in now?_

 _I had the geek bait take me to the roller rink, only to find out he can't skate. Not that it mattered when football head wasn't willing to look in my direction for even two seconds!_

 _I even went as far as dressing to Princess' level...in public! All it led to was being chased by a swarm of bees across the park. Again, Arnoldo didn't bother to take notice of my existense...and I ran right in front of him!_

 _That was the final straw. I wasn't going to continue blowing my savings on Mr. Fudgeys for a business deal that wasn't doing me squat._

"Stinky this isn't working out! You're fired!"

 _Well, the moment he couldn't have me...he wanted me. Did that mean I wanted him, uhhh are you ill?_

 _After assuming another of my plans had failed, and shaking off the pain until I could come up with another, I overheard football head having a conversation with geak bait in the hallway…_

"You gotta do something about it Arnold."

"Okay. I'll go talk to her."

 _Of course, my loving heart made me jump for glee at the idea of my beloved actually noticing me. Little did I know, it wasn't in the way I had hoped for._

"Don't ever sneak up on me like that!"

"Sorry, can I talk to you for a second?"

"That depends. Is it about a certain someone. Oh perhaps, someone who likes me?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

 _More like, how could I not THINK it was HIM, and that he liked me? I mean criminy! He agreed to meet me at the park to discuss my feelings._

 _There I waited after school, longing to discuss my years of repressed emotions when who should sneak up on me…_

"Oh it's you. Beat it, I'm meeting someone."

"I'm the boy who likes you."

"You?"

"I think we could be good together."

"Look Stinky it's not gonna work. I'm Helga Pataki and you...you're Stinky!"

 _After blowing him off, I spent another week wondering if I'd ever find a way to win Arnold over. If I'd ever summon the strength to tell him how I really feel about him. Seeing as how no such miracle had occurred within the next week, I once again found myself alone in the theater. At least, I thought I was alone…_

"Oh brother! You again? Stinky, how many times do I have to tell you, it's not going to work!"

"But Helga!"

 _While I would never agree to go out with a loser like him, it was nice being pined over. Heck, why not take advantage of the situation?_

"I just can't stand to see you begging anymore. I'll sit with you this once."

 _Again, I let my emotions get the best of me. No sooner had I gotten comfortable, some even more perfect form of of Lila~ came up to tell me I had stolen her seat. Apparently I was as easy to get over as I was to fall for, when Stinky told me he met Ms. Perfect at the drinking fountain._

 _I tripped getting out of my seat, feeling like an even bigger loser than I did before starting my little business deal. Not only did Arnold not love me, but I had just been seen as unworthy by one of the biggest dorks in class._

 _That feeling of defeat was soon overlooked when I took a seat behind football head and tall hair boy. Seeing Arnold sitting so innocently there, enjoying the movie, made it hard for me not to picture myself beside him. As I leaned over to rest my arms on the empty seat next to him, I did my best to refrain from leaning so close as to inhale the sweet scent of his hair. One day my love, it will be me beside you in there._


	29. Chapter 29

Entry 29: Hall Monitor

 _Why would you let someone walk all over you every day? Especially if you were given the chance to do it to them…_

 _Day by day, I marched down the halls with my sash and megaphone, giving orders left and right. It didn't matter how ridiculous or unnecessary my orders were. I was hall monitor! If I didn't like the way someone was acting, I pulled out my ticket book and wrote them one that would make them reconsider their actions. Man was it a sweet gig!_

 _Sweet as it was, it wasn't one that could last forever. I stood beside Wartz at the end of the month on the stage of the auditorium, requesting another turn. Hey, he basically said I was the best they had ever had. Why wouldn't he let me have another turn?_

"There comes a time when every hall monitor must hand in the sash."

 _I stood there with no choice but to pick my replacement. It didn't matter how unfitting for the job she was, she's the only person I'm close with._

"Okay, I pick Phoebe."

 _She found my decision to be as crazy as the rest of the school did. I wasn't going to let the job go to someone like Princess or Pink boy. People I wouldn't be able to count on to give me my executive privileges in the lunch line._

 _It didn't matter what my reasons were or the amount of faith I had in her. Pheebs still found it to be one of the most absurd decisions anyone had ever made pertaining to her._

 _At first, I felt she may be overreacting. The moment I saw how easily trampled she was her first day on the job however, I decided to take matters into my own hands._

"Pheebs I admit, when I first picked you, I had my own interests at heart. But now it's a challenge."

 _I spent the night training her after school; showing her how NOT to show people mercy. She's not one to butt into another person's business. If someone turns down a request from her, she's willing to overlook it. Well, that's not what being a hall monitor is about. You don't_ REQUEST _things from people. You_ DEMAND _them!_

 _Once she had finally gotten the hang of it, I could see how on top of the world she was. That new feeling of power she had never experienced before. Being in control as opposed to being a sidekick. Giving orders rather than taking them from people._

 _It was just as sweet watching her do it as it was having the job myself. That is, until I realized helping her improve the strength of her position, didn't put me on the same level._

"Hey no cutting!"

"Executive privileges! I've got my eye on that last tapioca!"

"Pataki no cutting!"

"Haha good one Pheebs. That rule is for little people. I've above the law."

"No one's above the law. I'm going to have to write you a detention slip."

"Phoebe get real! Helga Pataki doesn't do detention. I've got tickets to the monster truck show. I was going to take you."

"No you get real Pataki. You said not to let anyone push me around."

"When I told you not to let anyone push you around, I didn't mean ME!"

 _Yeah, I should have thought that one over. Talk about being a good student. Half the class spent the afternoon in detention, watching her sit on her hall monitor throne. My telling her not to let people walk all over her seemed to make her believe no one liked anything about her. She couldn't have been more wrong._

 _Everyone loves the way she's willing to lend a helping hand, a listening ear, or a friendly face. That job turned her into something (the last thing) anyone expected to see from her._

 _Funny how hard it is to find an in between for things. It's important to know how to stand up for yourself to avoid being walked all over. It's not admirable to do it in a way that implies you're nothing but bossy and demanding._


	30. Chapter 30

Entry 30: What's Opera Arnold?

 _Today's field trip turned out to not be half bad. Perhaps it's because, I wasn't awake for it._

 _The class and I arrived at the Opera House to hear we'd be seeing the play Carmen. No one seemed too head over heels about the idea of a field trip being wasted on seeing a musical until hearing further description of the play._

 _Of course the bull fights and sword fights were enough to amuse the geeks in the group. I was just interested in the overwhelmingly dramatic love story the teacher had been going on about._

 _Once everyone had taken their seats, I noticed football head past out quicker than Miriam does after finishing her smoothies. It wasn't that noticeable...until we got to the end of the first act. I brought out a helpful friend (my slingshot) to take care of the disruption._

"Hey! What'd ya do that for?"

"I had to shut you up somehow. You were snoring louder than the orchestra."

 _Then it was my turn to doze off. I don't know if it was Pheebs' vivid description or my heart's desire to experience what I was watching? Whatever the reason, I soon past out and was dreaming of slashing football head's crush… Ruth ~_

 _Pttss...Ruth! What does he see in her? So what if she's pretty? Let me tell ya, it may have been a dream, but I fixed her wagon._

 _Seeing her fall through the trap door on stage was like opening the door to his heart for me. With our classmates doing a somewhat decent job of singing behind us, my beloved and I were dancing across the stage. Who cares if it wasn't actually us? Who cares if it was all a dream? The moment was perfect!_

 _That is, until it was interrupted by someone else feeling he was capable of winning my heart. In any realistic world, he would be considered the class' black sheep. As I said, this was a dream. It didn't matter WHO it was. Just the idea of Arnold being jealous of someone else trying to steal my affections made my heart beat all the more heavily._

 _I was handed flowers, chocolates and the key to a new car in the hopes of being lured to Curly… yeah, fat chance of that happening._

 _He and Arnold fought for my love in an exciting sword fight that was sadly ended by the applause of the audience when the actual show ended._

 _I awoke to find myself laying in Geraldo's lap. Not exactly the dream position (or person) I had hoped to awaken to._

 _I sat up watching my beloved walk past me as I listened to Pheebs ask my opinion on the said to be masterpiece play._

"It was okay. It just ended too soon."

 _If I could just find the strength, build up the courage to reveal those passionate feelings which I possess, I may never have to worry about something so wonderful ending._

 _There's still the matter of it starting though. I'm not sure I can handle the thought of that now. That's what these little fantasy opportune moments are for, and I savor each one of them._

 _When it comes to actions, football head may dream big while I think realistically, but when it comes to fantasizing, no one dreams bigger than me. One day my dreams with my beloved will become a reality._


	31. Chapter 31

**Not that it matters, but I've been going through the episodes, and couldn't help but notice that in Season 2, Ms. Slovak is included in a few AFTER Mr. Simmons is introduced (this being one of them). Not that it's a big deal. I just can't help but notice things like that.**

Entry 31: Runaway Float

 _Some people do things for fun, others out of the goodness of their heart, and some just to impress people._

 _I was sitting in class when Ms. Slovak started to collect the drawings she insited we make of what we considered to be acceptable float ideas for the city parade._

 _I didn't see what the big deal was. It's not like I would get a chance to ride in it. Although I fantasized about riding beside my beloved down the street hand in hand, I knew not to get my hopes up about something like that._

 _That is, until I heard how desperate he was to have it happen._

 _Ms. Slovak came to see the creative example he had of our city being some sort of carnival. After seeing his enthusiasm for it to happen shot down by the look of disappointment when hearing it was too expensive to be made, a thought entered my mind…_

 _Money was the problem, and who's all about business?_

"Dad?"

"What do you want?"

"I've been thinking. How would you like everyone to see the words 'Big Bob's Beepers' on a float in the city day parade?"

"Keep talking…"

 _Bob's a sucker when it comes to improving the company. All it takes is a little persuasion as to how whatever I'm asking for could benefit it. Basically I told him if he gave us the money for the float, it would be an exclusive advertisement for his company. Plus, he wouldn't have to lift a finger to build it. Who could say no to that?_

 _After agreeing to do it, I anxiously went to tell Arnold I pulled off what the school said wasn't possible. It led to a heartwarming hug that made me go weak at the knees._

 _Once I realized the mushy state it was putting me in in front of everyone, I pushed him aside and said his way of paying me back would be letting me ride on top of the float. Everyone was well on board with the idea._

 _Sadly, the money didn't cover the float, which meant going back to Bob…_

"Uhh dad?"

"What? More money. Hey, when do I get to look at this thing?"

"Arnold doesn't want to show anybody yet."

"Well you've had all week?"

"Dad!"

"Okay, but this is the last dime you're getting out of me!"

 _Like I said, if it benefits his business, he'll look over the cost of anything. Once we finished the float, Arnold thanked me again and I was too flattered to know how to react. Bob and his arrogance broke the silence for me…_

"I hate it!"

 _Way to show appreciation, am I right? After telling off Arnold, Bob and his 'go to guy' decided to replace my beloved's hard work with a paper mache block that would completely cover our hard work._

 _As much as it broke my heart to see my beloved's dreams crushed, I reluctantly took Bob's side and accepted the position 'Queen of the Beepers.'_

 _Geraldo convinced football head to show up at the parade, despite the way it turned out. Thank goodness he did! The careless consideration that was put into how easy that piece of junk would be able to steer didn't work out in our favor._

 _I sat on top of the float, screaming my brains out, while waiting for Bob and his sidekick to get a handle on their masterpiece. As usual, Arnold turned out to be the brains of the operation._

 _Although I was too petrified to open my eyes, I listened to the group shout with excitement to see my beloved riding up beside us to pull the emergency break on the float. My prayers I said on top of the poorly assembled beeper were answered as I felt it coming to a stop...and just in time. We halted before the group of judges who were lucky enough to see Arnold's masterpiece, once Bob's cheap design fell to pieces._

 _Bob was anxious to take credit for the award, until I pointed out Arnold's presence. He proved again however a shred of decency does exist inside of him. After pointing out Arnold, Bob admitted he deserved credit for nothing more than the money that put it together._

 _I gotta admit, he played a big part. I mean despite almost killing his daughter, being arrogant about the time it took to make it, and unwilling to show the actual float in the parade...he still paid for everything. Deep down, he's a good guy. In no way will his actions ever compare to my beloved's however. No one's ever will!_


	32. Chapter 32

Entry 32: Helga Blabs It All

 _I just took an even worse beating than my teeth did this morning. Stupid campfire lasses!_

 _I guess I should start cutting back on the tapioca and chocolate milk, since I can't seem to see the dentist without hearing I need a few fillings._

 _Sitting in that chair having my teeth drilled was actually the highlight of my day. When that quack doc said to me…_

"Would you like to use laughing gas this time?"

 _I didn't see anything severe happening. What was I supposed to think? 'The dentist may have some sort of mental device that could make me reveal my deepest, darkest secret?!'_

"I'll try it. What could happen?"

 _Of course Mr. PHD wasted no time sending me to Lala land. I sat there with drool pouring down the side of my face, feeling more relaxed than I ever had before. People are known to say some crazy things when they're 'out of it' and I was no exception._

 _Admitting the satisfaction the gas was bringing to me eventually led to a much deeper confession…_

"I'm tellin' ya doc, this Arnold guy has been on my mind morning, noon, and night for the past six years!"

 _The fact that he heard me reveal my lifelong secret doesn't even bother me when compared to how far the situation led._

"I'll just call that adorable little football head right now and tell him myself!"

 _What kind of professional allows their patients to make such an inappropriate gesture in their office...and while being under the influence of a mind twisting gas?_

 _Needless to say, no one cared to stop me from helping myself to the nearest phone and leaving a message for my love._

"Arnold it's me Helga, yes Helga G. Pataki. The one who worships you. Day in and day out. Oh my darling, how I love…"

 _When I finally came to my senses and back to reality, what did I find? Not only myself leaving a humiliating message for my beloved, but that the entire office had gotten a front row viewing of it. Again, did anyone try to stop me? Not unless you consider smiling thoroughly at my performance to be helpful in any way._

 _After realizing the terrible position I had put myself it, I raced for the boarding house. I had spied on Arnold enough times to know where it was. It was just a matter of getting inside…_

"Campfire lass. Perfect!"

 _I invited the cookie seller with the fake accent to have a word with me in the alley. All she had to do was hand over the hat and sash, and it wouldn't have gotten as ugly as it did. Would she do it? Uhh...Does Bob remember my name?_

"Unhand me!"

 _Hey, like I said, things wouldn't have gotten as ugly as they did if she had just cooperated. It's her own fault._

 _Having gotten what I felt was a good enough disguise to sneak my way inside Arnold's, I knocked on the door to see his ancestor opening it._

"Hello, what are you supposed to be?"

"What's it look like, I'm a campfire lass!"

 _Has one never knocked on his door before? He knew they delivered sweet treats, but not what they looked like? Criminy._

 _All I had to do was get inside. Of course, the old prune decides to make things even easier for me by inviting football head to the front door for some cookies._

 _I suppose that did make it easier. Had he not looked away, I never would have had the chance to slip inside past him. Unfortunately, just because I made it in didn't mean I knew where the answering machine was._

"A phone! But where is the blasted answering machine?!"

 _I don't understand how football head manages to deal with all those eccentric boarders. While I was examining the first phone I laid eyes on, one creeped up behind me._

"I don't believe we have met, are you a playmate of Arnold?'

 _What business was it of his if I was? He may live there, but he has no say in who all is allowed in the stupid building. Not to mention going as far as asking what I was doing using their telephone. I don't recall inviting him to know who was on my 'Call list of the day.'_

 _Well, after 'Mr. English is my second language' left, I noticed the staircase. There had to be another phone up there...one with an answering machine!_

 _Sure enough, I found it. Was it before football head and the rest of the universe decided to make their way up the stairs as well? Pttss...what kind of luck do you think I was born with?_

 _I sat in an air vent, watching half the class toss around Stinky's cheap glider plane. All I can say is, thank goodness for Pheebs! I don't know what I love more about her, her loyalty or reliability._

 _Those freaks weren't going to leave the hall willingly, so I anxiously made a call to her and had her bribe the Jolly Olly man to make an unplanned stop outside of football head's._

 _Yeah, I know I owe her quite a bit of cash for that one. I owe her for a lot of things, and yet she never complains. She's always been empathetic when it comes to my emotional struggles._

 _Anyway, after those immature classmates of mine left the hallway, I lowered my way towards the floor, only to hear granny singing her way down the hall._

"Oh look! A message!"

 _You can just imagine how quickly my heart was beating when I saw her hit play on the cassette, along with pulling out a pen to write it down. Not as heavily as it was when she stopped Arnold to tell him about it however._

 _I couldn't bare the thought of listening or watching where it was about to lead to. I knew Arnold didn't feel that way about me. Even the slightest hint I had feelings for him would be enough to bring an enormously perplexed look to his face. What would that overly dramatic message do to him?_

 _After trying to shut the door to the vent, only to have my fingers slammed in between, I listened to granny reveal a message about as accurate as that campfire lass' accent._

"Oh Arnold! Before I forget, there was a message for you! A young lady called."

"Who was it?"

"Oh it was H something..Hel...Helg...gosh it's on the tip of my tongue. Oh yes here it is, Helen of Troy. And Miss Troy wanted to tell you she was selling some sort of passion fruit drink."

 _I had never felt such relief in my life! Hitting my head on the air vent when I fainted didn't even bother me. I instantly grabbed the cassette before any other crazy encounters with those unorthodox boarders could occur._

"The light at the end of the tunnel! You did it Helga ol' girl! You're home free!"

 _All I had to do was get through the end of the vent...where a freaking spider just happened to be waiting! Criminy!_

 _My fear was no match for my anger at that point however. I slammed my way through the vent it had decided to spin its web against. Luckily, it opened. I can't imagine how freaked out I'd have been if the vent hadn't opened, and the stupid bug was crawling all over my face. Nadine would have been in paradise...being the twisted freak that she is._

 _All I had to do was swing my way to the window waiting across the pipe I had come out of. Well, I swung over TO it. Did I make it out? Uhhh…._

 _I flipped out of football head's fancy couch and into his room where half the class was talking. Oddly enough, no one asked what I was doing there? Yeah, they were shocked. If someone you didn't expect to be in your house was there though, would you not feel the need to ask what they were doing there?_

 _Heck, whatever was going through their minds, I wasn't going to stick around and find out. I didn't even care to come up with some crazy excuse as to why I was there. It was just such a relief knowing Arnold never heard the tape._

 _Yeah, I know the whole purpose of retrieving the tape was to avoid being humiliated, which I failed to accomplish after falling in front of the guys. My secret is safe though!_

"Finally I have the tape. Mission accomplished. My nightmare is over!"

 _Or so I thought…_

 _I turned to hear that crazy sugar merchant ready to chase me down with her gang. I ran screaming four or five blocks, while they threw box after box of chocolate turtles at me. How many bruises did they think I needed? Sheesh!_


	33. Chapter 33

Entry 33: Helga VS Big Patty

 _Even Olga couldn't couldn't fix the wears and tears in this outfit._

 _I was sitting at lunch, not listening to anything fascinating being discussed until Princess decides to join our table and…_

"Hey girls. Isn't that Big Patty over there talking to Arnold?"

 _Hearing the idea of my beloved interacting with another girl made my heart skip a beat. I quickly turned my head away from my chocolate milk to see them both eyeing the last of the tapioca. If I knew Arnold as well as I thought I did, he was offering to let her take it. I couldn't make it sound as though the idea of him talking to another girl bothered me however…_

"Oh she's probably just trying to get his tapioca pudding off his tray! Why would Arnold want to talk to Big Patty? She's not exactly a rocket scientist. Plus she's big, dumb, and ugly. I mean what is she 14, and she's still in the sixth grade."

 _What started out as a cover for my jealousy turned into me blabbing all day about every possible insulting remark I could think of to fit the older girl._

"If she gets any bigger she could apply for statehood"

"Patty's so big, when she plays king of the hill, she's the hill."

"Patty's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor took one look at her and slapped her mother."

 _Yeah, I got ahead of myself. Hey, I was just making an observation? It's not like she ever complimented me about anything?_

 _I realized that didn't matter however when she overheard my little entertainment ritual taking place at recess…_

"Look you little skeeze...I know you've been making jokes about me all day. Now I'm going to make you pay!"

 _I can't help but wonder why she let me go on as long as I did if she had been aware of my comedy act all day?_

 _Well, being the muscular girl that she is, she didn't need a reason. I obviously upset her, and was going to be paying the price for it. That is, until a certain someone found it to be his que to step in with his problem solving skills…_

"So I heard you're going to fight Big Patty after school."

"Yeah so?"

"So what'd you do to make her so mad?"

"It's no big deal. I just made a few jokes about her being big, and dumb, and ugly."

"Even if that's true, it probably didn't make her feel very good to hear you say all those things."

 _Whether or not that was true, it wasn't exactly a solution to my problem. Then Mr. Goody Two Shoes felt all I needed to do was apologize._

 _Umm...a simple apology making up for a day's worth of criticizing? Should I just tell Bob and Miriam their lifetime of crappy parenting skills will be completely overlooked if they remember to pack my lunch just once?_

 _All I could do was try football head's advice. I approached Patty in the library with a matter of hope the size of Arnold's head and a shred of faith the size of his hat._

"So the thing is Patty, I realized you're a human being and you have feelings. I shouldn't have said all those things about you being big, and dumb, and ugly."

 _While Ms. Muscles was willing to admit how hard it must have be for me to confront her, it wasn't enough to guilt her into letting me off the hook._

 _What could I do other than spend the rest of the day moping? I don't know why I bothered to buy myself lunch when I was just going to have my stomach ripped to shreds at the end of the day._

 _Football head found the situation to be as serious as I did upsetting._

"So did you talk to Patty?"

"Yeah I poured my guts out. I groveled and begged and pleaded for mercy."

"So she let you off the hook?"

"Are you kidding? She's going to pound me into mush!"

"What? You mean you apologized and she's still going to beat you up?"

 _Arnoldo doesn't seem to realize the world isn't full of softies like him. We're not all do gooders who toss problems made by our idiot neighbors over our shoulders like they never happened. A simple apology can't just erase the fact that the whole freakin' school not only heard, but will forever remember harsh remarks pointed out about someone...and someone vindictive nonetheless!_

 _With his inability to acknowledge that little fact of life comes a 'go to attitude' however._

 _I sat on the playground after school, feeling it was pointless to even be saying my prayers. What could I pray for? Accumulating a set of muscles the size of Pink boy's stomach in the next two seconds?_

"Maybe she won't show up. You said it yourself Helga. She's not exactly a rocket scientist."

 _A speck of hope lit inside of me that was quickly erased when I saw my angry competitor's shadow hanging over me._

 _Before I could even consider running in the opposite direction, she grabbed my arm to take me to a private area. I was expecting to be thrashed in front of the whole school, like she had announced. My idiot classmates were already gathered around with popcorn and sodas to catch a glimpse at the 'exciting' event. Pttss...what a bunch of dweebs!_

 _When I was dragged into the gym, I didn't know what to do other than stand and prepare myself for the worst. I waited for her to come after me with that set of angry fists I had been mocking her about the past few days. Instead, I watched her abuse whatever she could find in the room that would attempt to make an excruciating noise._

 _I could only assume she was trying to rattle me by showing me her warm up moves. Like she could possibly petrify me anymore than I already was for crying out loud?!_

 _I could feel my heart pounding as I watched her approach me. Rather than taking a swing at me, she began ripping my clothes bit by bit._

"What are you doing?"

"I gotta make it look good?"

"Make it look good? What are you talking about? Aren't you gonna pound me?"

 _Once again, the innocent attitude we all mock football head for saved a fellow classmate of his. Apparently, my conceited actions aren't enough to prevent Arnold from seeing through my rough exterior and knowing the reason for my harsh behavior._

 _It makes me wonder if Patty would have forgiven me if I had been more upfront about the reason behind my cruelties. Eh, probably not._

 _Just the fact that Arnold stood up for me implied he had deep feelings for me. Although there was no way I was willing to admit my feelings, it does make me wonder why he was so concerned about me? Yeah he's always trying to help people. He's always trying to do the right thing. It's not his fault that I act the way I do though? Why was protecting me so important to him?_

 _Heck, I don't know what's going through his mind anymore than he knows what's going through mind. Although he's ten times more upfront with his feelings than I am, I'll never understand why he's so forgiving when it comes to my actions._

 _After denying there being any type of connection between him and I, Patty showed she was finished putting the gruesome touches she needed to on me and told me to 'sell it.'_

 _I put on what I considered to be as dramatic of a beating performance as I do a bully performance every day._

 _Although I didn't confront him about it, I can only hope Arnold knows how grateful and am, and how much his kindness means to us all._


	34. Chapter 34

Entry 34: Olga Gets Engaged

 _Will she EVER knock off that sobbing?_

 _I'd go in there and tell her the truth if I didn't have to worry about being a victim to one of her deathtrap hugs._

 _Every few months I hear Bob and Miriam act as if a phone call confirming Olga's upcoming visit is a winning lottery ticket._

 _The Golden Child enters the premises with an award winning smile that can't start spewing out her most recent accomplishments soon enough._

 _Well, as usual she dazzled Bob with her arrival and kept Miriam sober all through dinner with her fascinating award winning stories (literally)._

 _The wide smile on Bob's face dropped dramatically when he heard Ms. Perfect's next step of favorable achievements would be dropping out of school to marry an actor...or should I say con artist._

"What is this, some kind of a joke?"

"No daddy? Doug's the best thing that ever happened to me?"

"No, you're throwing your life away!"

 _Of course, their disappointment in her was like music to my ears…_

"When can we meet him?!"

 _When the goof came over the next night, I watched the way the lovesick look in their eyes brought a nauseous look to Bob's face._

 _Hearing that guy recite one Shakespearean quote after another was like watching Bob stab Olga bit by bit. It was obvious he had never felt such betrayal. Ms. Sunshine was his key to upholding the good name of the Pataki's...which he never felt I was worthy of contributing to. Pttss...cheapskate._

"How long have you known each other?"

"Three weeks and two days."

"So what's the stinkin' rush for? Get married in a year...if you still want to."

 _Olga's hardest times are when I show her my soft side. Why? Because I know it'll benefit me…_

"Daddy, it's not fair to make Olga choose between us and her true love!"

 _The guilty look this point brought to Bob's face was no match for who was once Ms. Perfect's shattered appearance. I watched her race to her room, while Mr. Faker excused himself from the table to take a seat on the couch. Some fiance._

 _I paced around The Golden Child's room, insisting for her own happiness, she should elope with the con artist we had the pleasure of meeting. Of course, it was really for 'my' own happiness. With her gone, not to mention looking bad as could be, I'd never have to worry about being seen as second again. I can't guarantee Bob and Miriam would start acknowledging my existence if Olga was forgotten, but at least she wouldn't be around to make me look worse. All I've ever known to expect from her visits is her bringing in another few months worth of accomplishments that make anything good I've ever done seem like a joke._

"Snap out of it!"

"Oh Helga I'm just so upset!"

"Then you've got to do something! Like run away and get married!"

"Helga we can't elope. Mommy and daddy would be furious!"

 _Based on the enthusiasm that sentence brought to my heart, and my eagerness to encourage her to move along with the idea, I know this sounds like my plan to switch her college grades all over again. That's not what it is though…_

"Isn't it worse thinking about life without Doug? Here's the deal. You start packing, I'll sneak a ladder under your window. You guys will be married in no time!"

 _Oh fine it may have started out like that. How could I NOT take advantage of any opportunity that was thrown my way to get her show off self out of the picture?_

 _As I was putting what I was sure to be my bullet proof plan into action, I couldn't help but notice Bob had decided to join the sap in the living room._

"The proudest day of my life will be when I'm named appliance salesman of the year."

 _Uhhh...yeah? Mr. Shakespeare's life long dream is to be recognized for customer service? Pttss...please!_

 _Then after he's through kissing up to Bob, the loser finds Miriam to work some of his magic on._

"I was an Olympic class Diver!"

 _It was just too incredible for Olga to ever care to mention to Bob and Miriam huh?_

 _This ALMOST made me reconsider whose side I was taking. That is, until I realized it was still Olga's decision to marry him. Now with Bob and Miriam on board with the idea, it would make it all the more sweet when they saw what a crappy decision she had made for herself._

"Okay new plan! Doug worked mom and dad over...I mean he won them over."

 _With The Golden Child feeling back on top of the world, her haughty fiance was more than willing to practice his con artist skills on every face he could get his eyes on._

"Wow Helga! I had no idea Doug use to be a professional race car driver!"

"Wise up Arnold! The guy's a fake!"

 _Pttss...Arnold...poor diluted fool. One that ALWAYS has to be the voice of reason._

"If he's really as bad as you say he is, you gotta do something Helga."

"No I don't. It serves her right. Olga's always gotta be soooo perfect!"

"It's just that, if you have a sister and she's in trouble, you're supposed to do something about it."

 _If that's true, where was she all the mornings Miriam forgot to pack my lunch?_

 _I wasn't going to let his soft hearted advice hit me right in the conscience like it always does. I went home that night and enjoyed watching the family be held captive by Mr. Faker's Shakespeare performance._

 _Each moment spent watching those two together was like picturing The Golden Child being dethroned from her perfect position and me finally being recognized (in general)._

 _Sweet as that night was, the day of the wedding came. Believe it or not, it wasn't football head's words that got to me and my conscience. I saw in Olga's room, listening to her go on about what a perfect life she knew she was about to be starting, until I listened to her say…_

"I always thought you were really wise when it comes to judging people. I know we haven't always been very close, but I'm glad you're my sister. I couldn't imagine having a better one."

 _Can you imagine the guilt and frustration that were tying together inside me at once?! I stormed out only to hear that sorry excuse for a fiance of hers on the phone with who I'm assuming was either his girlfriend or his actual wife. Whoever she was, she was obviously unaware of what he had been up to recently._

 _You'd think he'd run out of lies eventually? Criminy!_

 _After hearing him end his call, I made it clear I wasn't having any of his lame acts anymore. Of course, he wasn't going to take me seriously. I'm like a decade younger than he is. Then he tries to insist no matter what I say to Bob and Miriam won't do me any good, because no one ever listens to me. Yeah...some brother in law he'd be._

 _Well, if he wanted to fight dirty, I was up for the challenge..._

"Hello Linda, it's Helga, Olga's sister. You don't know Olga, she's Doug's fiance. I guess there's a lot about Doug you don't know. Where do I start?"

 _Sweat began pouring down his face when he saw my finger drawing nearer towards the redial button. All he could do was keep his cool….which he was no 5 star actor at either._

"Why are you doing this? You don't even like Olga?"

 _Okay, football head may deserve SOME credit for how this whole thing went down…_

"When your sister's in trouble you're supposed to do something about it. It doesn't matter if you like her. You're supposed to do something."

 _I don't know what wealthy family he's digging his grubby paws into now, but I got him to leave ours. Sadly, I had to come up with an explanation for the runaway groom._

 _I handed Olga a letter 'Doug' had written about being called away on an important trip. I thought I was going easy on her. It's almost midnight and she doesn't sound any better than she would have if I had just flat out said 'HE WAS A FAKE!'_

 _Excuse me while I go inform her of this and see if it leads to fewer sobs. Not that that's likely to happen._


	35. Chapter 35

Entry 35: Preteen Scream

 _I heard your voice and wow, what a joke!_

 _Everyone was hanging out on Arnoldo's front stoop listening to whatever bearable music was playing at the time._

 _Football head flipped through the stations until at last he received a request from Princess to stop on what was apparently this city's most admirable artist…_

"I saw your face and wow!"

 _Yeah...wow. Wow to the idea of anyone caring about such a sad song, let alone supporting it…_

"Earn the chance to see a free concert and the chance to go backstage and meet Ronnie Matthews."

 _I took that 'tempting' offer as my que to find another way to amuse myself for the rest of the day._

"Come on Pheebs! Let's go spit in the river."

 _As I stood waiting impatiently with my hands on my hips, I noticed Pheebs' attention hadn't left that ridiculous juke box._

"I'm afraid I can't join you at the river Helga. I have things to do at home."

 _I had just been ditched and for what? Little did I know, my best friend was the queen of the Ronnie Matthews fan club._

 _While I spent the night entertaining myself with the most recent edition of my usual wrestling magazine, every other girl in the city was coming up with a 500 essay as to why they'd be the perfect candidate to have a front row seat of Ronnie's fake performance._

 _Everyone was gathered on football head's porch the day they made the long awaited announcement of the contest winners. My classmates all leaned towards the outdated radio, while I leaned against the bricks, feeling they were all wasting their time even caring._

"The winner is Phoebe Hyerdoll!"

 _The groups' eyes widened like they had just seen a ghost. The only unbelievable thing to me was that an intelligent girl like her would waste her time with such a stupid event._

"I can't believe you even entered the contest Phoebe!"

 _Normally, Pheebs isn't one to request things from me. She really had it out for this Ronnie guy though._

 _Later that evening I listened to her beg me to join her at the lame excuse for an amusing way to spend an evening._

"Oh please Helga come to the concert! It'll only be for a few hours and there will be lots of free food!"

 _Hey, as ridiculous as I knew this guy was, I'm not one to pass up free stuff._

 _You hear a lot of people say listening to music on the radio can't compare to a live viewing at a concert. Let me tell you something bucko! You weren't missing a thing by not attending that concert._

 _The crowd stood cheering for the coveted singer while I ate my popcorn trying to figure out what it was about this guy that had Pheebs so razzled? I mean criminy! His music was no different from any other pop star you hear when flipping radio stations._

 _When it was over, Pheebs anxiously pulled me backstage to meet who was apparently god of the music world._

 _She and I took a seat outside Ronnie's office where we listened to this Cynthia lady tell us about 50 things he had to do before considering seeing us._

"Hey we don't have all night lady! We're kids! We do have curfews ya know!"

 _After adding a long list of 'rules' to the waiting list...compliment him but don't touch him aka tell him he's number one without showing him...the prissy lady invited us back to meet him._

 _I'm not even going to try remembering everyone she introduced us to. I just know I walked past those losers, thinking to myself 'one person could be doing every job she's listed for these people.'_

 _At last the moment of truth arrived…_

"And of course Ronnie. Ronnie the contest winners are here."

 _Pheebs could barely get her name out any better than HE could. After hearing her squeak her name, I listened to her praise him for that one song the country seems to be willing to have played at their weddings._

"I love your music so much! It speaks to me! Right Helga?"

"Eh, it's okay."

 _What? I wasn't about to unload my feelings onto that guy...mainly because I didn't HAVE any to unload. I'm sorry, but there was nothing about that song that captured my attention the way it seems to everyone else._

 _Of course, Mr. Big Shot found that too hard to believe. After getting a laugh out of my response, he invited Pheebs and I out to dinner. Like I said, I wasn't about to turn down free food._

"Slap a bib on me and stand back!"

 _All through dinner, I listened to him go on about the successful life that had basically been handed to him._

"So, you don't write your own music, you can't play the guitar, you can't even sing...yet you're wallowing in dough!"

 _While I was finally finding a reason to take an interest in this guy, Pheebs looked as though her dreams had just been crushed._

 _I was highly impressed with the sweet deal he was getting based on the lack of effort that was required of him to put into his work._

 _Pheebs just couldn't believe the devastating truth that this guy was no more than an actor._

 _Heck, he was never an idol of mine to begin with. After seeing him as a loser for weeks, hearing he didn't need to be talented to lead a successful life was just starting to make the night enjoyable._

 _Naturally the 'big shot's' song was on the jukebox at the restaurant. While Ronnie was showing me he was no better at dancing than he was at singing, Pheebs sat sulking at the table._

 _Once our free night with Pheebs' said to be idol was over, Ronnie dropped us off at her place._

"Ronnie thanks for everything! Vaya con dios! Call me!"

 _Yeah by the end of the night, Pheebs' enthusiasm seemed to have been passed over to me. I stood waving while watching the limo drive away, only to turn and see Pheebs with a disappointed look on her face._

"Hey Pheebs, what's eatin' ya?"

 _Apparently my lack of interest in attending the concert was no better than my enjoyment of the actor running it._

"Hey! Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! You were the one begging me to go with you! You said he was the voice of our generation, not me!"

"Well I thought he was?"

"Well that's not my fault, is it?"

 _After realizing I was right, Pheebs still couldn't help but question her IQ…_

"How could I be so stupid?"

 _Although I wasn't looking forward to meeting the guy, I knew how she felt. That music was said to be inspirational to her. For her to find out who guy sending out the lyrics was doing no more than mouthing them was like being smacked in the face with the message 'You have no one to believe in.'_

 _It would be as if Arnold, my love, wasn't actually the one coming up with all his amazing problem solving skills. As if it wasn't his choice to always be doing the right thing. None of his good actions or optimistic ways of thinking came from him..._

"Come on Pheebs, you're not stupid. So he wasn't the guy you thought he was. Anyone could be fooled by a handsome face. Even someone as smart as you."

 _The truth hurts, which is why Ronnie was a prime example of why you should never meet your heroes. That or just know there has to be a BIG CATCH to every big shot like him._


	36. Chapter 36

Entry 36: Road Trip

 _Correct me if I'm wrong, but is Mother's Day not meant to emphasize your appreciation for the effort your mom puts into actually BEING A MOM?_

 _I sat in art class, one of the few I look forward to. No, not because I enjoy what we do in there. Because, I don't have to worry about doing anything in here._

 _I was entertaining myself with a wrestling magazine when Pheebs had to point out my Mother's Day Card didn't exactly scream Hallmark._

"It's rather plain isn't it?"

 _Miriam's rather dull, is she not?_

"In case you haven't noticed Pheebs, Miriam isn't exactly world's greatest mom material. What kind of a mother packs their kid's lunch with crackers, moist towelettes and NO sandwich?"

 _None that doesn't deserve to be checked out by child protected services._

 _It didn't matter though. Her gift was seeing my grandma in South Dakota; an exciting family road trip...not._

 _I was making my way downstairs with my suitcase, already counting down the hours until the end of the trip when I heard Bob say…_

"There's been a change in plans."

 _Just me and Miriam alone on the road after the old man decides to put his precious business ahead of his family as usual._

 _Normally I'd resent him for such a thing (no matter how predictable it was), but I wouldn't want to go on the trip if it was avoidable. That didn't stop me from trying to talk some sense into him however._

"You are joking right dad? Me and Miriam alone on the road together?"

 _Of course he had no more concern to acknowledge me than he did to feel the need to stay behind with me._

 _A few hours after Miriam and I were on the road alone, I listened to her sad attempt to try to bond with me._

"How are things at school Helga?"

 _I felt the radio would be the perfect way to 'tune her out.'_

 _She didn't seem to expect the uproaring tunes I chose that were clearly not in style (or even around should I say) back when she cared to keep up with the times._

 _Well, first Bob blew me off, then I was forced to be trusted with Mrs. Smoothie, finally, I listen to her ask to change the radio station._

"Do you mind if we listen to some other music?"

 _That's okay though. I got something even better. Listening to her half the night at a karaoke bar we stayed at. Oh brother!_

"We got tomorrow! Who needs yesterday?!"

 _Don't ask me why I didn't kill myself there and then._

 _The next morning, have managed to make it through sharing a bed with her snoring self, I watched her walk out to the car, only to spill her coffee all over me! What the heck is wrong with her?_

"Don't worry Helga! It's a brand new bright sunny day! Everything's going to be fine! You have to think positive honey!"

 _Positive? I suppose she considers leaving her purse on top of the car, losing the directions, and running the car off the road all reasons to think positively?_

"TRUCK!"

 _Even when she's sober, the woman can't keep her eyes on the road. Criminy! What good do those glasses do her anyway?_

 _Guess who had the privilege of pushing the damaged vehicle to the nearest mechanic, only to find out it would cost nearly five hundred dollars to fix it. I might as well have just left the freakin' thing on the side of the road._

"This here fixin' job's gonna cost you about $498.37"

 _What is he, some kind of math psychic?_

 _As tough as I may act, it hurts having to take care of myself. Not having someone to depend on who I know is willing to take the time to put my needs before their own hurts._

"I'm nine years old mom. You're the parent, you're supposed to take care of me, but you couldn't even do that. Face it Miriam, you're a lousy mother."

 _Yeah it wasn't exactly a loving thing to say, but what was I supposed to do? Let her continue thinking hard smoothies and eighteen hour naps are the key to parenthood?_

 _My last five bucks wasn't going to get us back on the road anymore than Miriam's unfocused mind. Therefore, I went inside to grab a bite to eat._

 _My stomach ended up being the next victim when she placed some crazy flier for a mechanical bull riding contest._

"You? A mechanical bull contest?"

"It's only five dollars to enter and if I win, we get enough money to fix the car."

"I'm getting a cheeseburger."

"Helga! I need your five dollars for the entrance fee. Have a little faith in me. I..I could win."

"Fine Miriam. If you wanna blow our last five bucks so you can enter a mechanical bull contest, go ahead. You've messed everything else up, you might as well make it a perfect trip."

 _Normally when people upset me, I'm just frustrated with their ignorance. I'll even admit in some cases, it can go as far as hurting my feelings. This however, was pure disappointment._

 _I sat there, watching them set up for the show. Before Miriam even stepped up, I knew not to waste my time getting my hopes up. Parents are supposed to be people you have a chance of having faith in. This is all due to the fact that they're reliable._

"I can't even watch this."

 _It didn't matter what type of attempt she made at that point. There wasn't a snowball's chance it would end well._

 _I sat outside like a hitchhiker on the bench, assuming I maybe lucky enough to get a free ride. That is, until I heard cheering. I don't for the life of me made me waste my time getting up. I knew there was no way it could be Miriam causing a positive uproar like that._

 _Apparently I was wrong. I stood in the doorway, not believing what I was seeing until I saw her being thrown off her seat and across the bar._

"MOM!"

 _It's amazing the type of concern situations like that can make you show for a person. Not only that, but learning something new about them, and what it can lead to._

 _We got the money, and I got a whole car rides worth of stories I never thought I would care to hear. Stories about Miriam's childhood. Wonders never cease!_


	37. Chapter 37

Entry 37: The Aptitude Test

 _Aptitude tests. Tell me, what's so imperative about these things if only YOU can be the one to pick your future?_

 _I was sitting in class, listening to Simmons come up with another 'special' announcement of his…_

"Class, today we'll be taking an aptitude test."

 _Honestly, I didn't see the point when I could predict half the class' future then and there. Pheebs, I could see being some sort of Neurosurgeon. Whether or not Princess manages to keep up to date with her outerwear, that won't stop her from giving her constant unwanted opinion of everyone else's. I can just picture her sitting at one of those fancy smancy judging tables, saying_ "Those shoes...SO do not match that sweater!"

 _Pttss...oh brother!_

 _Either way, Mr. Special passed out the tests and told us to write our names on them. I spend the morning with my trusty purple pen...that I use for every freaking assignment...filling out the answers. Finally, it was time to eat. Of course, Pink boy races out of the room as if lunch lady assistant had been declared his new career._

"Eugene. I will entrust you to collect everyone's tests and place them on my desk."

 _First off, why the heck would he trust that loser with what he considered to be such an important assignment? I'm kicking myself for ever handing my paper to the freak to begin with._

 _Second, what on earth did he tell us to write our names on the tests for, if he was just going to give us name labeled folders?_

 _Third, I find it hard to believe after a whole stack of papers was dropped, only mine and one other person's were incorrectly placed into the folders. Maybe I should make an announcement to the class half of them are wasting their time practicing for whatever job their test 'predicted' for them._

 _At the end of the day, I headed for the door with Pheebs, telling her there was no need to sweat about the results. She was the last person in the class who had to worry about poor test results. I made my case when pointing to our pathetic classmate hopelessly leaning against the school door._

"Harold will become a doorman. If he can master the technique."

 _Don't ask me why I bothered to point out his pull (not push) flaw to him. I suppose that's just proof football head was right about my being a 'nice, normal, sensitive person.'_

 _After a night spent at ease, I returned to class to hear Simmons eagerly announcing what he was sure to be accurate test results…_

"Arnold would make a wonderful ambassador to a foreign country. And Harold...congratulations on the most outstanding test scores for a fourth grader since Olga Pataki took a test!"

 _Tell me something, what kind of a moron compares a held back student to a well coveted colleague, when their sibling just HAPPENS to be in the class? Sheesh!_

 _Obviously the test was a joke after hearing that. I don't know why I let my own results get to me when the constant rioting of the class implied how inaccurate Harold's results were._

"A woods person. What the heck is a woods person?!

 _Who the heck would even consider that to be a career? Anyone capable of acquiring a degree that is._

 _I sat in class the rest of the week, not caring to make a learning attempt at anything. Hey, he gave us the test. He showed me the results. I was just following his 'special' recommendations._

 _Although I'll go ahead and admit, those results shattered my dignity. I'm not given recognition for my accomplishments at home. I'm only applauded by myself. Despite my parents not caring about me,_ I _at least always knew I was smart; capable of great things. Then I saw the test and it was like the world was telling me I was wasting my time trying._

 _Another part of me (the control freak) part of me, wasn't going to go down without a fight._

"Woods person! Ha! I'll show them. I'll be the most mountain, nature loving girl, the Aptitude has ever seen!"

 _Dressing in overalls, setting animal traps, letting everything in class slide in one ear and out the other. Again, who the heck would even consider that to be a career?_

"Helga, you're not even trying. I'd like to see you after school."

 _Simmons keeps me after school to talk about my new behavior. Like he wasn't the one who handed us a stack of 'life changing' questions._

"Well, this be the REAL me Mr. Simmons. Simple as pie."

 _First the guy tries to push me to choose my career at the age of nine, then he butts even further into my business by telling me I'm taking it too seriously. Is he a teacher or a counselor?_

 _I don't know what made the guy 'check his work' but he discovered purple ink and test results not designed to resemble a first initial better suited me than Pink boy._

 _I don't care how many freakin' tests he graded. Who grades…_

"E...E...E...E...E"

 _Without finding something highly suspicious?_

 _Anyway, Mr. Special comes to apologize for the flaw in grading. I'd say he made an even bigger flaw handing Klutzilla the tests to begin with._

 _There was no point in apologizing to (let alone telling) my parents anything…_

"Fine. Fine. Is this gonna cost me anything?"

 _After watching Simmons leave, I was filled with relief. My parents may not show me any recognition, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm a literary giant. I was ready to go upstairs and return to my normal life until I saw Miriam's stupid self throwing my box of poems and diaries into the fire!_

 _It doesn't matter if she's sober or not. She can't do anything right! Now here I am starting everything over. I'd hate to see the results of any life predicting test she took._


End file.
